Subject: Rooney

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy
hunter.'"
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2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a
year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll
take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have
bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill
and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can
rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
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3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying
under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how
our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to
get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.
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4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake
up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want
you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere
near our optic nerve.
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5. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she
got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.
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6. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is: "Share the love."
Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the
love."
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7. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been
spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's
Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large
number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who
can't remember what
to do with them.


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