LMAO... that got sent out to everyone in my phone....

 

"IN GOD WE TRUST"


HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK



1. Open a new file on your computer.



2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.



3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.



4. Empty the Recycle Bin.



5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'



7. Feel better? GOOD! -







Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi! :-)

 

i had to take down my xmas lights early this year cause they kept making me think of ******... half of them dident work and the ones that did werent that bright...

 

Say ADDICTED after every question u read:
Drugs?
Alcohol?
Sex?
What hit u in the face last night?



IT'S FUNNY CAUSE ITS TRUE!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING!!!!

 

A 9921
Toibi biquT2
TA pnilim2
9M

need help cracking the code? use a mirror

 

i beileve it goes like this " today is hug a retard day so dont freak like you did last year no one is tryin to take your helmet"

 

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

not that funny but...

 

My application to e-harmony was denied!
One of the questions was: 'What do you like in a woman?'
Apparently 'My ****' was not the right answer.

 

why do the police hate hillbilly muder cases?..... no dental records and all the DNA matchs

 

So a queer walks into a gay bar and..... ah nevermind you were probaly there. I'm sure you know what happened.

 

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together,
when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ***?'
The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ***?'

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some
Cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ***?'
Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ***'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go **** yourself'. Grandma made these for me'

 

i sent an angel to watch over you last night. he came back and said he doesnt watch ****. thanks for traumatizing my ****** angel you ***

 

what did the easter egg say to the boilin water........ its gonna take me a while to get hard. i just got laid by some hot chick

 

a kid saw 2 dogs humpin. mom says they're bakin a cake. kid says i know, you and dad baked one lastnight, i licked the frostin off the couch

 

For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack ****? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You dont know Jack ****? Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack **** is the only son of Awe **** who married O ****, the owners of Knee Deep N **** Inc. In turn Jack **** married Noe ****. The couple had 6 children: Holie ****, Giva ****, Fulla ****, Bull ****, and the twins Deep **** and Dip ****. Deep **** married Dumb ****, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe **** got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe **** Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip **** married Lota **** and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken ****. Fulla **** n Giva **** married the Happens brothers n had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the ****-Happens wedding. Bull **** traveled the world and returned home with an italian
bridePisa ****. So from now on, no one can tell you that you dont know Jack ****

 

 

the 3 biggest lies in this world are..
1. i love you
2. your check is in the mail
3. i won't *** in your face

all 3 are pretty dam ture 2 lol

 

 

thats good lol..

 

thats funny right there.....