od1nixer

Please hold, sir.

I'd be f.ucked if anybody from around here read this. Luckily, nobody in Montana knows about the internet except me.

od1nixer

Wouldn't happen. Nobody even knows how to use a computer around here.

ChrisNoF4i

You should run for Mayor or some ****.

od1nixer

AND THEN I COULD RULE THE WORLD!!!!

od1nixer

Well, I'm having another wonderful day. I forgot to wake up at the predetermined time established by my alarm clock, and didn't make it to work until about noon. Score one for the home team. Normally, for me to sleep that late, it takes a lot of work. I have to sleep through alarms, phone calls, roommates trying to wake me up. But when I woke up today, there was nobody in the house. It was a bit eerie. Have I ever told you guys about Brett, my roommate?

What do I say about B? Hmmmm.......the words son of a bitch come to mind. Seriously, he is the biggest ********** I've ever known..... Passively, sarcastically, ignorant. That's pretty descriptive. This is the motherf.ucker that borrowed my fifty for 6 months before we lived together. He brought it back to me with a flattened rear rim and said, and I quote "You're gonna have to fix that rim, I need it on Thursday." Needless to say, I didn't fix the rim, and I forgot to torque the connecting rod bolts on his cr250. How was I supposed to know that could cause damage? Mooching motherf.ucker. He's the kid that takes your last beer and laughs about it. Luckily, I f.ucked his little sister and he doesn't know about it, so we're even.

Did I mention he can't read? He works on a survey crew for the Montana Department of Transportation. He builds the highways we drive on, but he can't read. I found it hilarious when he was stumped by the word illiterate. Attention deficit disorder is an understatement. The kid can't concentrate on anything but motorcycles and video games. Anything else, it's like talking to a 3 year old. Attention deficit: when he borrows my car, every time without fail, I find the cd that was in the cd player on the ground outside because he throws it out the window if he doesn't like it. Coherent conversations are few and far between.
You: "Your shoes are untied."

Brett:"YOUR shoes are untied, bitch!"
Witty comeback, I know.
You'll recall me telling you about his occupation. That's right, he works for the state. When he's actually at work, his day consists of driving the interstate that is basically deserted, sleeping in his truck, and listening to harry potter books on tape. That is, of course, if he's not disabled at that particular point in time. You see, Brett wrecks alot. Not necessarily alot, but enough that he breaks a bone every couple months. So he works for a month, pops lortabs and smokes pot for a month, works for a month, etc. Needless to say, he's not the brightest bulb in the pack, but at least someone put batteries in the flashlight.

Brett is also a *****. He'll bang any chick, big or small, ugly or pretty, clear-complected or acned, dead or alive, warm or cold, rain or shine, he's there to get the job done. He once disappeared for almost 24 hours with somebody else's truck and one of the scariest looking Samoan chicks I've ever seen. Turns out he ran tree branch scratches all the way down the side of the truck, defiled the inside of it, and passed out cold. He holds the title for both oldest and fattest prize.

Did I mention he broke his collar bone on the fifty, and his arm has been in a sling for about a month? This makes for some serious entertainment. After he broke it the first time, he slipped on the hardwood during intercourse and broke it again. Apparently that arm comes in handy when it comes to bracing yourself. They had to put pins in after that. I thought we were being robbed when I heard him go down like a sack of potatos, and then heard a blood curdling scream.

About 2 years ago, he broke his tibula and fibula, pins, screws, the whole nine. His right foot was in a cast for months. He couldn't stand it anymore and had to drive. He went out and got hammered, and suddenly got the urge to drive home at at 4:30 in the morning. Notice I said right foot, the one you work the pedals with when driving a car. But Brett wasn't going to let that hold him back. He propped his right foot up on the hump in the center of the truck, and drove with his left foot. Now, I know you've all tried driving with your left foot, so you know that you're not quite as coordinated as you are with the right. Our plastered friend isn't that coordinated to begin with, and with an eighteen pack in him, he is just downright retarded.

Alright, let's add this all up, we've got a parapalegic alcoholic, doped up on Lortabs and God only knows what other drugs at the time, who can't read or write, and is about as coordinated as my 6 year old neighbor that pitches for his T-ball team. So he's driving along with his left foot, and comes to an underpass that is right after a sharp right hand curve. Instead of mashing the brake with his stump to slow down for the curve, he mashes the gas, and flies into the curve. I don't know what he did, and what happened, but I'll be damned if he didn't manage to wedge his truck up in the dirt between the pillar and the bridge above it.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I'm knocking down my first piece of *** in 4 months (don't ask why, I'll explain later). I'm happier than a pig in s.hit, sawing that f.ucker down. Without fail, my phone rings........ 4:30 in the f.ucking morning while I'm pouring the pork to a sweet piece of ***. So I ignore the first call, and the second, and the third, by the time the fourth comes around I'm angrier than a queer with lockjaw on Valentine's Day. I finally answered it, and ended up leaving to go get Brett. He didn't want to leave his truck, so he made me pull him out. Now try to imagine the geometry here. I'm down on the road, and his truck is wedged up above me, pinned between the pillar and bridge. And he wanted to pull me him out I figured we might as well get it overwith before a cop shows up, so I yanked that f.ucker out of there. I did more damage to the truck pulling it out, than he did in the accident. Mint

Well I got to go home. I'll have to tell you about the other hibernating roommate, Brian, some other time.

Angel Of Death

od1-kenobe, do you live in a halfway house?

od1nixer

a half-way destroyed house
No, the house is brett's parents, me and him split the mort. Why do you think I'd be in a halfway house?

Suzukibabe22

shtbx

omg u are entirely gorgeous (sp?) ......figured id let ya know

ChrisNoF4i

Aww thanx, you're sweet

od1nixer

I love you. Can we cuddle?
p.s.- are your ***** lopsided?


Cleveland- I know I need new friends. I need a new life. What do you say guys, pull the trigger and start over?

paragus

i heart this thread!!!!!!

dan gates

don't do it od1 its gets better i promise

this weekend we'll go down to the titty bar and getr ripped what do ya say? its on me

od1nixer

I'm never one to pass up a deal like that, but the commute would be ludacris

dan gates

we will hop on my private jet and have good times with movie stars, strippers, and wonderful musicians, you will become part of the beautiful people club and take pills the make your bowel movements smell like freshly baked cinniman rolls.


















maybe someday

od1nixer

I Am The Walrus!

Angel Of Death

can I be the Water Bufalo guys? Come on, please???