A few Texas jokes
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man whore
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 4,881
From: Loyal citizen of Zamunda
A few Texas jokes
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings."
(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)
================================================== ======
A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
================================================== ======
A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
================================================== ======
The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
================================================== ======
NEWS FLASH! -
Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150 plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station cemetery earlier today.
Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
================================================== ======
A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"
================================================== ======
A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.
================================================== =====
A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "
He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
(Church was pretty much over at that point.)
He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings."
(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)
================================================== ======
A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
================================================== ======
A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
================================================== ======
The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
================================================== ======
NEWS FLASH! -
Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150 plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station cemetery earlier today.
Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
================================================== ======
A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"
================================================== ======
A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.
================================================== =====
A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "
He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
(Church was pretty much over at that point.)
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