yeah and you can go mooseknuckle hunting

 

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

5. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Spike." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sparky."

6. High-light your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

7. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

8. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

9. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

13. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."

14. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

15. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.)

 

Executive Decision

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

 

10 ways to make yourself popular at the office

10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don't, and then punch them in the mouth.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks.. tell everyone how you're just kidding.. and tell them that they are all a bunch of queers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard- then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big loogie - then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say 'Beat that!'

7. Inform a male coworker that he 'wouldn't make a good hooker,' then **** in his coffee and tell him he needs a good '*** ****ing.'

6. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the front of your pants.

5. Answer every question asked to you with '**** if I know!' then call the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.

4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone's hand.

3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and yell, 'It won't stop! God help me! It don't stop!' Then when it stops... look down and say... 'Oh!'

2. Ask to borrow someone's pen- bring it to the bathroom - stick it in your butt - return it and tell the person to smell it - when they tell you that it smells bad - be like, 'It should! I had it in my butt!'

1. **** on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it, tell them it's the fake plastic kind- when they try to pick it up, and realize that their hand is full of ****, laugh and point.

 

Prison and Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

 

Office Games

The idea is to score the most points. Your attempts need to be verified by another co-worker. See how many points you can score in one 8 hour shift.

One point gags:

Run one lap around the office at top speed.

Ignore the first five people who say "Good Morning" to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.



Three point gags:

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barreled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it."

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


Five point gags:

At the end of a meeting suggest that for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (2 extra points f you actually break into song) (5 extra points if you start singing another nation's anthem).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off and on 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to do "number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report is on your desk, mon." Keep this up for an hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am.: "See how I look in tights."

Carry your keyboard over to a colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

Come into work wearing army fatigues and when asked why, say "I can't talk about it."

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Hang a 2 foot piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely
surprised (or perfectly calm) when someone points it out.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, say, "Not now," and walk away

 

You know you work in corporate America in the 2000's if...



1) Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
2) You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
3) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
4) You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
5) You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
6) It's dark when you drive to and from work.
7) Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
8) "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
9) You're already late on the assignment you just got.
10) Free food left over from meetings is on your mind to bring home at the end of your shift.
11) Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
12) Art involves a white board.
13) You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!''
14) Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
15) Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
16) Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
17) You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
18) When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with your company's name.

 

Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren't

I need to whip it out by 5.

Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
Hmmmm...I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Have you checked your hard disk for viruses?
I've increased my RAM for more power.

 

Tips for your Bosses

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. It it's reallly a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leav without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like me work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations, I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to may so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager

 

Describing Bob

The boss asked me for a letter descirbing Bob Smith:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Project Leader

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.

Regards -

 

stop posting these long *** f)ckin things....
wasting my time, and i read enough during the day without your help

 

Differences Between You And Your Boss

If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.

If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're ****-creeping.
BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

 

Things to Do in an Office Meeting

1) Take notes in finger paint.

2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.

3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.

4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, _now_ I get it!"

5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!"

6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.

7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.

8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the _real_ reason this meeting has been called.

9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders."

14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore."

14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.

17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.

20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.

21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it. Start crying.

22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures."

23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful. But what can you do?"

24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.

25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you "so you can hear better." Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.

26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.

28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.

29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that "my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.

30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment is tomorrow."

31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: "Just in case."

32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.

34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.

36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

 

finally a break!!!!!

 

yup i just killed my lunch break with those

 

I'm so bored I'm going to fall asleep at my desk. This is crap.

 

Build up some gas and do a drive by fart by your bosses office

 

lmao I think I already did that at my desk while I was sleeping

 

Vjay step away from the keyboard so I can hit it with a fire extinguisher as the keys are smoking Holy Fu(king Tomato you def need to keep that POST ***** logo under yer name