Chili is manly
08-30-2004, 02:31 PM
#1
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Location: Plymouth, MA
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Chili is manly
Yes, I just ate a nice big bowl of tasty chili. It's extra manly when you have cheese on it too. I came to this conclusion while I was driving home from the bar when my stomach started making gaseous movements. Then it happened, I did the manliest thing possible. I flagellated.
While I was at the bar I was in a strange mood, observant, or even maybe a detective. I found myself picking apart everything I saw, and came to some conclusions.
1. I've never taken the time to sit down and try to watch a painfully boring and utterly stupid soap opera. I don't know how anyone in his or her right mind could stomach it. Now I’m at the bar and the only two shows on are Newly Weds and Days of Our Lives, and the volume was up on Newly Weds, both shows should have been muted anyway. Aside from having to listen to the witless wonder of the world, I glanced at the Days of Our Lives screen. PG13 ****. Every scene has a half-naked Abercrombie guy and a ***** in lingerie crying or wanting to get ****ed. I can only imagine how these shows keep going on, how stupid do you have to be to watch such a mindless show. WHY WOULD YOU WATCH **** THAT HAS NO NUDITY?
2. So you’re bored with the wannabe porno, OK, check out MTV and the puppets. That’s all I can think of to describe these two morons, not to mention if you watch these two for anything other than the sex object factor you’re just as mindless. So the guy, Dickbag we will call him takes Douchebag to the place where they vowed to make each other miserable for the rest of each others lives, which I’m sure they are only together because of the media and money anyway. Then the bartender sobs some **** about “AWW he’s so romantic”. ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME? That’s the most pussified thing I have ever seen. For one, you know goddamn well that it wasn’t his sally *** idea to take her there. Everything in that show they are being told what to do and are only doing it for ****ing ratings. Come on people grow some ****ing brain cells.
3. I’m so pissed off from one and two I can’t remember what the third thing that pissed me off having to do with mindless people and TV.
While I was at the bar I was in a strange mood, observant, or even maybe a detective. I found myself picking apart everything I saw, and came to some conclusions.
1. I've never taken the time to sit down and try to watch a painfully boring and utterly stupid soap opera. I don't know how anyone in his or her right mind could stomach it. Now I’m at the bar and the only two shows on are Newly Weds and Days of Our Lives, and the volume was up on Newly Weds, both shows should have been muted anyway. Aside from having to listen to the witless wonder of the world, I glanced at the Days of Our Lives screen. PG13 ****. Every scene has a half-naked Abercrombie guy and a ***** in lingerie crying or wanting to get ****ed. I can only imagine how these shows keep going on, how stupid do you have to be to watch such a mindless show. WHY WOULD YOU WATCH **** THAT HAS NO NUDITY?
2. So you’re bored with the wannabe porno, OK, check out MTV and the puppets. That’s all I can think of to describe these two morons, not to mention if you watch these two for anything other than the sex object factor you’re just as mindless. So the guy, Dickbag we will call him takes Douchebag to the place where they vowed to make each other miserable for the rest of each others lives, which I’m sure they are only together because of the media and money anyway. Then the bartender sobs some **** about “AWW he’s so romantic”. ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME? That’s the most pussified thing I have ever seen. For one, you know goddamn well that it wasn’t his sally *** idea to take her there. Everything in that show they are being told what to do and are only doing it for ****ing ratings. Come on people grow some ****ing brain cells.
3. I’m so pissed off from one and two I can’t remember what the third thing that pissed me off having to do with mindless people and TV.
08-30-2004, 02:51 PM
#4
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Location: Plymouth, MA
Age: 42
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Re: Chili is manly
Originally Posted by Jay Carnes
you read to much maddox
and i stopped drinkin beaaahh so im a sally now
i even spell chekd that shyt yo
08-30-2004, 03:01 PM
#5
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Location: Plymouth, MA
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Re: Chili is manly
Originally Posted by hessogood
You know what's real manly? Drinking a beer at the bar, not eating a bowl off ****in' chili. Hike up your skirt and get shitfaced!
08-30-2004, 03:29 PM
#6
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: verticaloutlaw land....south ME
Age: 48
Posts: 4,182
Re: Chili is manly
CHILI CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Calgary, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Dome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Calgary from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Calgaryians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I s h i t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.?
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Calgary, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Dome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Calgary from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Calgaryians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I s h i t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.?
Thats awsome!! 
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