Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that
your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your

review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some
stale
chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but
I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by

causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras.
Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't
like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash
is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do

actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on.
While I
may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would
stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please
stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up
face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while
I'm
with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you
have
worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.

I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out
facedown on
the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal &
in
no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that
matter) activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed

companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, from your biggest fan.

 

I really would love to know the answer to that one!!!

 

That whole thing is so true it's kinda scary

:YEAH :YEAH