The Guide

Old 12-31-2002, 03:05 PM
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The Guide

I. Introduction

Introductions, preludes, prologues etc. are generally bullshit, so I’ll keep this one short. Every dude should read this book, and I’m not just saying that because then I’d be rich and famous and be able to meet my lifelong goal of banging at least ten supermodels. Instead, what I mean is that everyone should research anything in which they desire proficiency.

Would you take a new job without asking what is expected of you? Would you place a bet with a bookie without trying to understand how his vig worked? Would you try to drive a bulldozer without someone explaining how those levers worked? If you said yes to any of these things then you are a douchebag, and this book probably wouldn’t help you get any chicks anyway. If, however, you said no; then you probably understand that there are certain things in life that require a little research. Picking up chicks requires a lot of research! It is not easy, but it sure as hell can be fun.

Read this book, get the required props, and then practice daily. The more you practice the better you’ll get. Even if you never achieve greatness, you will definitely double the amount of chicks you get…guaranteed.














II. Props

Before you start; every dude should own the following basics:
• $150 Shades. It’s important to look cool. Your kind shades will also help you to stealthily scope out talent in outdoor settings.
• $100 Shoes. Chicks always check out your shoes first. …pony up.
• Cell Phone. Buy a small one you can fit in your pocket (no belt clips allowed). The cell phone is key to getting numbers quickly and easily. It also helps if you plan to juggle more than one woman (see section on Juggling > 1) or are avoiding one you recently dumped.
• Caller ID. Fight fire with fire. All chicks have it, so cough up the $6 per month..it is sooo worth it.
• A Cool Pad. Get rid of the futons, hide the foosball table, get a nice bed, and buy lots of candles….guaranteed to get you more lovin.
• Booze At Your Pad. There is nothing worse than having a hot chick ready to go home with you and you can’t say…”let’s go over to my house…I have a really good bottle of wine.” Keep at least two bottles of red wine and some tequila or vodka around for emergencies.

III. How To Meet Chicks

OK, now that you have the basic props, let’s take a look at how to score. Pulling chicks is easy.

Where. I find it’s easiest to meet girls where alcohol is involved. Therefore, bars and parties are best. The grocery store is for food shopping and chat rooms are for degenerates; go to a bar and do some cold calling man!

How to Dress
Wear whatever is hip. I prefer to shop at trendy stores like GAP or Abercrombie & Fitch, but wear something that is at least in style, especially the shoes. A couple of other items are:
• Chest Hair. If you got it, show it. Some chicks say they don’t like it, but they really do. Keep two buttons open at all times. They’ll more often than not comment, and/or feel you up.
• Jewelry. Chains and rings only work if you’re really good looking. Get rid of it all.

Talk To Them!
I usually like to get a good buzz on so I’m more outgoing. Don’t get too whacked though, pace yourself, and whatever you do don’t drink and drive. Bring a good wingman to the bar and look for good-looking women and go talk to them! It’s as simple as that. If you’ve ever been in sales, it’s like cold calling only your success rate will be much higher picking up chicks, then it will be selling copiers or stock. This is a simple numbers game: half the chicks you talk to will talk back, and half of those will give you their phone number if you ask.

The WingMan
Too many dudes spoil your game. I prefer to only hang with one dude when I’m scamming. If you go to a bar with a group of your boys, then let them hang while you and your wingman dig for digits.

The Good WingMan. Find yourself a wingman who is outgoing and funny. It doesn’t matter what he looks like as long as he’s willing to keep the conversation going. A good wingman will also jump on the occasional grenade for you (e.g. do the ugly one to help you out).
The Bad WingMan. The bad wingman is more interested in impressing his buddies than he is in picking up chicks. They usually stare at women as they walk by, or worse, they make lude or lucivious comments such as “yeah baby” or “ohhhhhhh, did you see that!”

A bad wingman will also cockblock or attempt an inappropriate sword fight. For those of you who do not know the subtle differences, I offer the following definitions.

Cockblock A cockblock is a guy who attempts to steal your prey by talking **** about you, thus making himself seem more attractive. Either that or he moves in and turns his back to you and begins to scam on your find. Avoid this dude.
Sword fight. A sowordfight is when two dudes attempt to work the same chick. This is perfectly legal if, and only if, they meet her at the same time. It is totally inappropriate for a dude to come over like a jackal trying to steal the prey form the lion who bagged it. It is sometimes legal if you are in a group, but generally its uncool. Avoid dudes who pull the inappropriate swordfight on a regular basis. If you find yourself in this situation, then it is legal to block him out. This is accomplished by continuing your conversation with the lady while turning your back on him. He’ll feel stupid standing there and will likely go away for a while till you seal the deal.


Placement/ The Post Up Move
It is key to properly place yourself at all times. This means that when you initially walk into the bar, don’t look for a table, or a space at the bar. Instead, look for the hotties and go stand next to them and order a drink. Eventually, you will have to talk to them. This also helps you avoid the embarrassment of having to walk over there to talk to them later. You look like cool guys just looking for a drink, when lookie here.
When Is the Number in Their Party Too Big?
She’s Alone. Easy pickings. Always talk to this girl. She is probably waiting on her girlfriend and feels stupid standing by herself. She’ll be very receptive.
Two Chicks. Two girls is usually fine, unless they are really into talking to each other and have their heads close together. This usually means they have important stuff to say, or else they’re dykes. Avoid these chicks.
Three Chicks or More. Doable, but you gotta really be on your game here. If there is a crowd then you have to carry and impress the whole crowd or else you’re sunk. Try to pull the whole group and see what falls out. If one is receptive then turn her away from her friends and work it solo.
Mixed Chicks and Dudes. This is virgin territory boys, so go after it! Most dudes are afraid to go up to groups of girls and guys, but if they’re not all coupled up, then go for it. No one else has talked to these girls all night because they think they are taken, and most likely, they are just friends with those dudes anyway. Make the dude into your friend instantly then work the chicks.

The Decoy. Feel free to bring a chick with your group. One that you don’t care about. Other chicks will see you with a girl and think you must be ok.

You’re Scanning The Bar and Spot One…What To Do?
The Look. If a chick looks back a second time when you’re checking her out, then she’s interested. Work your way over there and go for it. Have no fear: what’s the worst thing that can happen? Some chick you don’t know and will probably never see again, will think you’re a loser for about ten seconds then forget about you. I’ve had hundreds of girls shoot me down, but only one has ever dumped me (and that one doesn’t really count cause it was a long distance thing!).

Never Feed A Stray Cat. You don’t want to talk to the fat or ugly chicks when you are trying to hookup. They won’t leave you alone and the other chicks in the bar will brand you as a loser. Chicks check each other out and if they see you with a total cumdumpster then they’ll blow you off once you work you way over to them.



What To Do When You Encounter The One Night Stand
If you are alone then go talk to her. If you enjoyed it last time…work it again. She’ll likely call you an ******* a couple of times, but put on the charm. She fell for you once already..it’s like shooting fish in a barrel!

If you’re with another chick then you need to be very careful here. I recommend ignoring her or else just say Hi in passing. If you engage her in conversation then you run the risk of her saying “why didn’t you call?” This will sink you with your new babe for sure!

I also recommend you split as soon as you can. If your girl suspects something then tell her that the other girl is an ex girlfriend who is a borderline whacko/stalker and that you’d rather not talk about it. All chicks have had dudes stalk them, so she’ll agree with you that it is best to leave.

If for some reason you can’t leave, then watch out. Eventually, when your new babe goes to the bathroom, she might work her way over to chat. If this happens, tell her you’re on a date and can’t really talk but that you’ll call her. Then head to the bathroom yourself and if possible, grab your chick and make a B-Line for the door.

Chase the Antelope, Settle for the Rabbit. When you come into a bar that’s hoppin with babes, don’t go up to the first chicks you see checking you out. Save them for later, they’re money. Instead, go after the other hotties first and work your way back to the ones who where checking you out later. This also helps you to build momentum.

Buying Drinks. Some guys think this works, but I think it’s a waste of your money. Chicks will talk to you even if you don’t buy them drinks. I’m totally down with buying them shots or getting them fresh drinks once you’ve got the rap rolling.

Pickup Lines don’t usually work. I’ve tried them, and take my word for it; “Come here often” will make her run in the other direction. You can try to get cute with lines like “Is your name Visa? Cause you’re everywhere I wanna be,” but I prefer to keep it simple. Ask them a lot of questions about themselves (likes and dislikes if under 25 : job and hobbies if over 30) …and try to be funny. If you make it past the first two minutes then you’re home free.

One line that works is the Hey Stop Its Us line. Just wait for cute girls to come by and say “hey stop, its us!” and they’ll stop thinking they know you…just keep them talking and you’re in there.

If you really feel you need an opening line you can try the tried and true “Do you have a sister who works at XYZ? No? Ohh, cause I know this girl there who looks a lot like you….My name is ______What’s yours?” A good wingman is key here. He can pick up any dead air time until everyone is more at ease in the conversations. Keep Em Laughing. Tell Jokes, humorous stories and soon they’ll be digging you.

What To Do In A Town Where There Is More Guys Than Girls. If the bars you go to are sausage fests, then you need to distinguish yourselves by dressing well and being aggressive. Don’t let the fellatio ratio scare you off.

Lying About Your Age. I prefer younger woman so I usually shave off a few years. They all do it too, so don’t feel so devious. Just play stupid later if they find out: tell them they must’ve misunderstood you (“30?? no, I said I was thirty-four, you must not have heard the four) . Watch out and be sure to add those years onto the year you graduated though or you’re busted!

Hit & Run. Talk, get their number, and move on! The longer you work it, the better the chance you’ll **** it up. If they stay, then you leave or vice-versa. Use your cell phone for the assumed close. The assumed close is easy; just say “Hey, give me your number and maybe we can go out for a beer sometime.” This works every time. Then give her a business card so she’ll at least remember your name when you call. Always ask for their number, even if you are unsure..it’s an automatic no if you don’t ask! Get some ***** and do it!!

She Says She’ll Call You? No she won’t …get her number or walk away…they never, ever call. Either she has a boyfriend or she isn’t into you…Bail.

Random Girl Gives You Her Number Without You Asking. Don’t call her..she’s a rabbit boiler.

How To Pickup Chicks That Have Boyfriends. If he’s with her, I don’t recommend even trying. If, however, he’s not there, then its fair game. All is fair in love and war! If she likes you then she’ll give you’re her work number and you can sneak around a little. This is actually quite titillating. This is not cool, however, if you know the guy. There are plenty of chicks out there…don’t ruin any friendships over them.

How To Pickup Strippers. This one is a little tricky. I recommend that you find out when the shift change is and start hanging out there a couple of hours before. Most strip joints change shifts at around 8 PM. If you get there at 5 or 6, then you have plenty of time to talk to them and convince them to go out to a bar with you when their shift changes.

Talk to them like you would any other girl. Hang out with your boys at a table with a central location and have a good time. If you go over and sit constantly at the stage then you look desperate. Just go over once in a while and drop a few ones. Eventually they will come and talk to you and your friends. Work it.

Mountain Chicks Vs. City Chicks. In the city you must be the aggressor because you might never see them again. In the mountains/small towns, you have to dress down a little and play it cool. In a small town, the chicks all know all the dudes etc, so they noticed you when you walked in the door. Play it cool for a while then strike up a conversation.

Best Cities To Pick Up Chicks In.
Contrary to popular belief San Francisco is not an easy place to meet lots of women. Many people think that because there is a greater proportion of women there, and because there is a large gay population, that the chicks will be receptive. This is not necessarily so.

Denver is Good. As a matter of fact, any city where there are a lot of new people moving in is good territory for scamming.

Dallas is Good…lots of hot chicks

Salt Lake has absolutely beautiful women, best in the world, but most are Morman..tough to pickup Mormons.

New England/New York City. Tough on an outsider. Chicks are very wary of any strangers.

Taking Them Home That Night. I prefer to run away and live to fight another day. I find that if I hang out too long I eventually say something stupid and screw it up. Some guys are all about trying to take them home that night. However, the odds of pulling them out of there are only good if its after 12:45 and/or getting near closing time. Try kissing her neck or cheek. If she responds and you’re making out in the bar..then you’re taking her home. Say something like “let’s go over to my house. I live really close and have a nice bottle of wine. I’ll make sure you get home in an hour or so. The so is usually the next day.

Beer Goggles. If your friends say don’t do it..then don’t. Dudes will rarely say anything unless she is either really hot, or is total swag. When they cry swag…go home alone

Talk It Out Later With Your Boys. Always laugh about what worked and didn’t the next day with your friends who were with you. It helps get you psyched and you’ll learn from your mistakes and theirs. Always watch what you say though. It’s a good habit to say “having sex” versus “banging.” If a chick hears you saying “yeah, so I’m banging this broad and..” they your done, but if she hears you say “I’m having sex with this girl and…” then your still golden.

Blind Dates & Set-Ups
Never, ever, ever go out on a blind date! It’s a totally uncomfortable situation that is bound to fail miserably. Instead, go for the setup if you can dig one up. I usually try fishing around my friend’s girlfriends and or my female co-workers. Ask her if she has any cute friends. If she says yes, get some details and ask for a physical description (preferably a picture). Ask her to bring her friend to happy hour the next week. This will allow you the chance to check her out, talk to her, and ask her for her phone number if you see fit. 30-40% of chicks are closet matchmakers…take advantage of that if you can.



IV. Calling Her After You Get The Number

Calling Chicks. After you get a number, you should always wait two days then call.
If She Answers Be yourself, funny, talkative etc. ; tell her about your great weekend, what you did etc. If she doesn’t remember you right away, don’t let it phase you….just keep going, she’ll eventually catch up; or else she’ll be curious enough to want to check you out anyway.

If No Answer. ALWAYS ASSUME EVERY CHICK HAS CALLER ID!! If you call back repeatedly she’ll think you’re a stalker and you ain’t getting any. Don’t’ leave a message. This is an advanced technique that works like a charm. If you call and get her machine, simply hang up. The chick will see your name and rack her brains to remember you. Even if she doesn’t remember you, more times than not she’ll still call you back.

If she doesn’t call you back, wait a day and then call, but be sure to block your number (*67 then dial # after dialtone). If you try *67 and get a message saying “we’re sorry, but this number does not accept blocked calls,” then you know she definitely has caller id.. Try her first at 6 PM (no message) and then at 10 PM from your cell phone. Leave a message that you are heading out for the night and if she gets in soon she can try you at ______#, or else you’ll try her tomorrow. Keep this up every other day after that with a single evening call, but don’t leave another message. She knows you called and has your number. Play the cool guy or she’ll think you’re a freak. If no response within a week, bail and convince yourself that the beotch wasn’t worth it anyway.



V. The First Date

When. Always go for a weeknight; Thursday is best. Most women will let go and stay out later on Thursdays then they will on other nights. This is due to a widely held belief that there is only one more day of work left and that one can make it on less sleep and more booze. I also prefer weeknights, because if you are having fun you can stay out late with her. If it sucks you can always say “I’ve got a big meeting in the morning and have to get up early.” You can easily bail by 9 PM if she turns out to be a skank or a bitch.

Have her meet you at 7 PM: that way she will have eaten already. Chicks are always uncomfortable eating in front of guys they’ve just met. Never take her out to dinner until at least the third date.

Where. Have her meet you in a cool, funky bar that is not too loud. Never pick her up. Have her meet you there. This way she’ll feel more comfortable having her own car; and you can also make an easy escape if necessary. Pick a table or corner of the bar where you can sit close to her. Avoid big booths; they make it hard to touch her.

How. There are several basics that every dude should follow on the first date:
1. Keep Em Drinking
2. Don’t Say Anything Stupid
3. Make Em Laugh
4. Touch Them Once In a While (use to emphasize a joke or point). This will show her that you are interested in her and break the ice.
I also like to buy them a shot to loosen them up for the first kiss. The easiest way to accomplish this is to wait until they go to the bathroom and order it while they’re gone. That way they can’t object. I recommend ordering something sweet and with a kick: Layered B-52’s are money, baby!

The First Kiss. This is where most dudes blow it. Never, ever wait until you get to the car or (God Forbid) you have driven her home! Kissing on doorsteps is an urban legend that only works in the movies. Instead, try the surprise attack. Once you leave the bar just grab em and kiss em. Simple, but effective. Try brushing your lips against the corner of her mouth and then pull her close and slowly kiss her. Do not, I repeat, Do not grab any *** yet.

If the surprise attack works you should break it off first. I recommend no more than 30 seconds. Then as you walk her back to her car she’s feeling pretty good about it and you can have another makeout session or two along the way. When you get to her car pull her waist close to you and give her a long passionate kiss. You stop it first, say good night and walk away. Don’t tell her you had a good time, and definitely don’t tell her you’ll call her….just walk away. It’ll keep her wondering ‘til you call …chicks like to wonder….it’s romantic and titillating for them.

The Second Date. This time, you can pick her up. I prefer to try to get a little love at the door to break the ice. At least give her a hug and kiss on the neck here. She’ll think you’re happy to see her…they always let you, so go for it.

You can do whatever you want for the evening. I like to take her to a bar then club dancing: chicks love to dance. You could also take her to a bar and then dinner if you want. I would avoid movies at all cost; they tend to put you both to sleep. You could also cook dinner for her at your house. In any case, your goal is to get her back to your place, or hers if she wants. Don’t wait until you are ready to go home; instead, ask her early. Say “I have a really nice bottle of wine at my place…why don’t we go over there and have a glass of wine, and then I can bring you home in an hour or so.”

Once she is on your turf, she’ll be putty in your hands. An advanced technique guaranteed to speed up your time to the promise land is what I call the saving myself line. It’s quite simple. When you’re making out on the couch or wherever, try telling her (with a strait face) that you never sleep with women unless you’ve been dating them for at least a month. Then shut up!. This will process through her mind for a while and then she’ll become the aggressor. Chicks love a challenge. Four out of five times she’ll jump your bones that night.

Who Pays & When
The rules are as follows: You are the guy, so you pay 100% for the first month of any relationship. I know this sounds like bullshit, but its part of the game. Then, and only then, do you let her start carrying her own weight. Don’t fall into the offer to pay trap. A good woman will offer to pay or possibly go Dutch on the check. Don’t let her under any circumstances. She’ll talk it over with her friends and they’ll decide you are cheap. You’ll never get any lovin.

After you’ve been sleeping with her on a regular basis you can start letting her pay. A good benchmark is to compare salaries (you might not know hers, but you can probably guess). If she makes half of what you do, then you should probably play the sugar daddy role and suck it up most of the time.

VI. How To Impress A Chick

Manners
• Always thank a woman who buys you something, no matter how trivial
• Never thank a woman for sex
• Always open the car door for the woman on the first few dates, then forget about it. Any chick who expects you to open her door is a bitch..dump her.
• Farting & burping. Don’t’ ever do it: it’s a real chick turnoff. Hold it until it comes out slowly and silently. If you’re really gonna drop ***—go outside or walk at least 20 feet away first.

Impress Her With Your Culinary Skills. A sure fire way to impress a chick is to make her dinner. She will think you are the greatest and talk of you incessantly to her girlfriends.

Atmosphere.

Lighting. Place candles strategically throughout the house to provide romantic lighting. Chicks dig candles.
Music. Soft rock, jazz are best. I love Metallica and White Zombie, but when I’m mac’n on some babe I always go for the Cat Stevens, David Sanborn, or Simply Red. Always put the CD player on repeat. There is nothing worse than the music ending in the middle of a makeout session.
Food. Always prepare the meal beforehand. The more time you have to spend in the kitchen, the less love you’ll get. Go with a nice salad and something you can bake that will last a while if you flip it on warm. Steaks are bad..they’ll just burn if you’re successfully making out on the couch or preferably in the bedroom.

I also like to put out some brie and crackers and/or shrimp and cocktail sauce. She’ll think you’re classy and you can both sit on the couch and drink and eat something immediately. Chicks get grouchy if they’re really hungry, and its probably after 7:30 by now. By snacking, you also put something into your stomach so that you’re set for a couple of hours if you successfully negotiate the tour of the apartment/bed tackle discussed in the next section.

Warning: Try not to look like a player. If she thinks you do this on a regular basis, then you’re done. Tell her “I love to cook, but never get a chance.”

Tour of the Apartment/Bed Tackle
After you’ve settled everything in the kitchen and had two or three glasses of wine you can attempt the Tour Move. This is a simple move—you simply say “dinner won’t be ready for a little bit, let me give you a tour of my mammoth estate.” Once you get to your room you start a surprise makeout session followed by a sudden loss of balance which somehow results in both of you ending up falling on the bed. The rest is up to you, but before you try this move be sure of the following:
• CD player must be on repeat
• Food should be on warm or it will burn
• Oven timer should be off or it will undoubtedly go off right in the middle of your game.




VII. Sex Tips

A wise man once said “Sex is like Pizza. Even when its bad, its still pretty good.”

Condom Use. The use of condoms is highly recommended. I know it’s a drag, but..well you know all that.
Where to Keep Them. I recommend that you keep condoms EVERYWHERE. And always keep at least 4 together. What the hell good is one condom….you’re gonna need at least two for the night, and one for the morning and you’ll probably wreck at least one trying to get it on!

I highly recommend that you keep some on you at all times. I prefer to wear baggy pants with side pockets for storage. You might be saying “But Dude..what if she finds them in my pocket?” If a girl has her hand in your pocket, that means she’s already decided she wants you. That will just convince her even more. I also keep some in the car. This might be tough in warm climates, but I try to be mobile with my condoms. There is nothing worse than a surprise attack and not being prepared!

You should also put lots of condoms under your mattress. I separate them and place them strategically separated at approximately 4 –5 inches along the border. This makes for very easy access….just lean, grab, peel and you’re golden. You don’t ever want to have to say “wait here a minute.”

Cunnilingus. My motto is: Eat It All & They’ll Always Come Back For More.
Some things to remember:
1. Take your time. Explore and find our what she likes then make a mental note and practice, practice, practice.
2. Keep going till she gives you the tap or finishes writhing on the bed angrily shouting your name or that of her favorite deity.
If she’s had an orgasm then she’s exhausted. Now is the time to have it your way. Climb aboard and take care of business, boy!

Contrary to popular belief, the tap on the shoulder doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. Most times she is just worried about taking too long to come or else she can’t ordinarily come that way. If you get the tap then I suggest you ask her to climb on top of you—9 out of 10 times she’ll make herself come fairly quickly. Then you can do the roll and end up on top of her to finish up.

Toys in the Bedroom. I highly recommend keeping lots of them around for diversity. Fur handcuffs are ok, but they tend to scratch up your bed frame. Instead I recommend plain old straps. If you’re in a pinch, neck ties work well. Always remember to recycle. By this I mean that if you plan ahead carefully you can use the same equipment with different women without looking like a player. What you do is carefully open the packaging (razor blade is best) by putting a thin slit in back and across. That way you can put them back in the packaging and show your next girl like you just went out and bought them for her.

What To Do If She Won’t Have Intercourse But Will Give You A *******. This is what I call the Bill Clinton rationale…some woman have a totally warped view of sex; they see intercourse as more intimate than oral sex! I know this is totally whacked, but you will run across it every once in a while. If a woman won’t have intercourse with you but will give you either a handjob or a ******* then 90% of the time she has a boyfriend. The other 10% are just freaks. If she’s part of the 90% that has a boyfriend, then play it cool and enjoy it! She’ll be having sex with you within 1-2 weeks. If she is part of the other 10% that thinks that somehow she is saving herself for that special someone…dump her.

Math Equations vs. Dead Puppies. Don’t forget: Hold Out, Hold Out, Hold Out!
Sometimes the only way to keep from blowin your load is to think of something less exciting than the gorgeous chick on top of you. I prefer to do multiplication tables in my head, but some guys like to think of dead animals. Do whatever works for you and never enjoy yourself until she is finished!

Winter Bush: If she doesn’t trim then offer to do it for her. If she won’t let you…dump her.

**** Sex Most women won’t, but they still fantasize about it. I’ve yet to meet a woman who didn’t like a little action in and around the area. This is an especially useful technique if you use a little wet finger action during cunnilingus. You can also try the old “It Slipped” routine, but this requires you bust out some KY and do a little prep work. Often times they won’t stop you. I do suggest you have a vibrator handy to finish her off…the reach around is a very tricky move in these instances.

The Dude Fake Orgasm. Drugs and alcohol can often cause your Johnson to have more stamina then you. When this happens, don’t be afraid to pull the old fake orgasm. Be sure to make lots of noise…shouting, “I’m gonna come,” works well, but I’d also suggest lifting them off the bed and slowly coming to a stop.

By faking one, you give yourself the option of giving up for good or else resting for a few minutes and looking like a SuperStud! Just don’t pull out, and keep kissing her neck etc. After a few minutes of collecting your energy you can start (very, very slowly) to give the impression that you are getting aroused again. No woman will ever stop you unless its like the 3rd or 4th time of the night. If they do..dump em!



VIII. How To Dump Chicks

If you have to think about it, end it. If you are trying to figure it out, or if you’re having a tough time etc., then end it. Hanging with chicks should be fun, not work. Life is too short to hang out with chicks that bring you down.

Do it on the phone if possible. I know this sounds lame, and it probably is, but it is a hellova lot easier. Don'’ call them for two days, then they’ll call you once, then one day later they’ll call you again and give you the old “We Gotta Talk” line. We gotta talk really means we gotta breakup. Now its their idea, and you have an easy way out.

I also recommend you let her down easy by telling her “I really you, but I’m not in love with you, I know what love is and it’ll be best for both of us if we continue to look for it. Life is too short etc.” This works well, cause she has to agree with this…she’s a chick after all. Sometimes you will even get the old “Come over here one last time.” This is rare and spooky, but fun. Just make sure you tell someone where you are in case she’s really pissed off and chains you to the bed for a week.

How To Know If She’s Blowing You Off. The following are telltale signs:
• You’ve left two or more messages and she hasn’t returned a call.
• Her cell phone gets to the third ring. (everyone has Caller ID on their cell, she knows it’s you calling.)
• She says things like “I’m watching a movie/show, can I call you back?”
• She’s vague when you talk about what you did last night. She’ll say things like “I was out with a friend(s).”
• She cancels dates regularly with excuses like “I didn’t sleep well last night.” “I’m Tired,” or “I have to work late.”


IX. How To Get Em Back Again

My advice is Don’t Bother. There are plenty of fish in the sea! If, however, you find it necessary to travel this road then it is quite easy.

How To Call The Girl You’ve Blown Off. If you run into her then this is easy. Just go where you think she might be and “happen to run into her.” This will give you an excuse to talk briefly and then call her. If you don’t run into her, then try calling her from a payphone. If you call from your home then she’ll see your name on Caller ID and won’t pick it up. Just call her from a strange number once every couple of days until she picks up. I recommend using different payphones though if you choose this route.

How Long Should You Wait. I recommend you never get back with a chick until you’ve been apart for at least a month or two. Otherwise you are crawling…screw that.

Play it cool and don’t talk about it. If you get back with her, the worst thing you can do is tell her you were dating someone else or didn’t want her etc.

How To Dump A Chick You’ve Dumped Before. This one is next to impossible. I recommend moving away.



X. General Dating Tips

Juggling More Than One Chick You can successfully juggle up to five different chicks (more if they are in different cities) provided they are in different stages of the relationship. Some things to remember:
• Gated community apartments Rule!. You don’t want a girl to be able to easily drop by without calling.
• Always hide your car when you go out. Park it away from the bar or restaurant you’re in.
• Go to different parts of town. Never take women to the same place as your other bitches.

Also essential to juggling multiple women is the proper use of telephony:
• Only give them you cell phone number. Nothing worse than hanging out with a new chick and your home phone rings and you have to get it. Also, then they have to try you on your cell phone and you can tell if they’re getting jealous or not. If they are, you can call them from the men’s room.
• If phone rings when you are with another chick, simply hit end and say it was your sister and you don’t want to deal with her. You could take this to the next level if you want: an advanced technique is to hit end but then hold the phone up to your ear and have an imaginary conversation with your sister. Then you can return the call from the men’s room or later on.
• Throw away your answering machine and get an answering service. If you come home and a girl can see that you have a call, she will always say “aren’t you going to listen to your messages?” Then you’re busted if its one of your other ponies. What you can do is to play the message low and then quickly delete it and say “Oh yeah, I already called her back.” If the chicks says “who.” You say “Oh, it was some lady who wanted me to paint her house, but I told her I don’t do that anymore.”
• Keep your cell phone with you always, and never let a woman play with it. Never let it out of your sight either. Chicks are devious. Tell them that you use it a lot for work , so if they do happen to see a Caller ID name, you can play it off.
• Delete inbound and outbound calls regularly from both your cell phone and your home Caller ID. Ideally, you should put in a password on your cell phone to prevent use while you are out, sleeping etc. A friend of mine was busted by one of his chicks who scanned his calls received and then called the other chick. Then one of them invited him out to breakfast one day and they both showed up and laid into him. It was ugly..avoid this by taking proper precautionary measures.

What To Do If You Are Out With One Chick And Run Into Another. Don’t’ panic! Play it cool and you’ll probably get away with it. Never ditch the chick you are with (chick #1) for Chick #2. Chick #2 is pissed off already, and if you go talk to her, then chick #1 is going to get pissed off also. Chick #1 is with you, so she’s probably cool with it. Just tell Chick #1 that Chick #2 is a rabbit boiler ex girlfriend of yours etc. If you play it cool, then you can even call Chick #2 the next day and patch it up with her too.

How To Repel The Early I Love You. If she says things like “I could really fall for you,” or “I think I’m falling in love with you,” then you are in a tough spot my friend! This is tough. I recommend blowing it off completely and changing the subject. You could also try something like “Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me…I’m bad news.” This, however, only works if she is hinting at it..once she says it then you’re done.

Drunk Dialing. Never drunk dial an ex girlfriend, but feel free to try the booty call on girls you are currently sleeping with. Call her when you are with your boys out. Tell her where you are and ask if she’d mind if you picked up a bottle of wine and came over. More often than not, she’ll go for it.

How To Increase Your Desirability Using Email. Always get a girls email address. You can then drop them a quick “Hi” etc without looking like you are too interested.

Research Too often, guys make the mistake of being too cool to watch “chick shows.” Shows like Allie McBeal, Sex and the City, and Melrose Place can be excellent bullshit ammo. You can use this as filler when the conversation dies when you’re out hunting in the local bars. Try it: just mention last week’s episode of Funny Chick Show X and watch her face light up. They will find you fascinating in that you actually watch the show. You might also pick up some useful insights into chick behavior.

Everyone Wants What They Can’t Have. When in doubt, play it cool. Chicks will want you if they think they can’t have you. If they think you are too easy, too nice, too sweet..they’ll dump you.

Tough Questions & Answers:
How many women have you slept with? Always say “ I don’t know, definitely less than 20, do you want an exact count?” Then she’ll back off and change the subject. Never tell her the truth.

Complimenting Women. Do it often, and pick the features they are less likely to have heard before. For example, if she has beautiful eyes then tell her she has an amazing smile. Describe the way it opens sensuously when she’s concentrating or about to speak etc. Never ever tell a cute girl that she’s cute! Tell her she’s beautiful and she’ll be putty in your hands.

Never Use Her Name. Always pick a pet name for a chick like Sweetie, or Sweet ****, or Jelly Roll. If you use their first name then eventually you will slip and call them by the wrong name. For example if her name is Stacy, then eventually you will be calling her Stace. Unfortunately, one day you’ll accidentally call her Steph (short for Stephanie…one of your old babes). You can save this though, but only if you’re quick. Mumble and stutter quickly like “uhhh, steph, stuff is totally out of control. This stuff sucks.” Most times she’ll miss the fact that you just called her another name.

Long Term Relationships. Try to avoid them. They totally interfere in you ability to get lots of chicks. If however, you decide to do it, she must have two out of three of the following: Pretty, Funny, or Great Body. Don’t settle for less, and never ever get married unless she has all three.

Falling In Love. If you think you’re in love then you probably are. It happens about once every seven or eight years. It can totally **** up your relationship though if you tell her, so always wait for her to say it first. If you’re not in love with her and she is leading you to believe she is by saying **** like, “Billy, I could really fall for you,” or “Spanky, I think I’m falling in love with you.” Then you need to tell her “Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me babe…I’m trouble.” Then laugh it off. She’ll read so much **** into that one little line, that she won’t bring it up again for months.

Naked Pictures. This can be a fun hobby, but is one that requires some setup work on your part. Work your way into it by getting her drunk and then asking to take a breast only shot. Next roll, get a whole body shot. Soon you’ll be worked up to total body and face naked shots. Photo labs will process any naked picture that is not pornographic; meaning there can’t be any contact with the genitals. This means that they probably won’t give you back the prints of her having fun with the fruitbowl, but if she’s naked on a bed, they have to print them. In any case, they won’t arrest you for it.

Sex in the Workplace. Go ahead, **** where you eat. I do it all the time. However, if you do decide to get a little worktang then be sure its clandestine from the start. – When you ask her out you should say “I like you, and I know we shouldn’t date people we work with, but would you like to have a beer with me? We can keep it a secret so we don’t have to deal with anyone in the office.” This is key because you can sleep with the girl in the next cube also, and they won’t ever find out about each other.

Keeping Records. I am a firm believer in keeping some sort of record for posterity. You should always memorize their first and last names also. I know it’s a hassle, but it will come in handy later in life. When you hit the 100 chick benchmark, they all start running together in you memory. You should consider keeping an electronic journal. Use a small tape recorder to put it all down. It will be fun to listen to later in life. Always lock this up in a safe deposit box or label it something else like “Statistic Notes From College.”


XI. Is She A Freak?

How To Spot A Rabbit Boiler. For those of you who have never seen the movie Fatal Attraction, let me explain. Dude dumps chick, chick gets pissed, chick stalks dude, chick boils dude’s pet. Now, this could have been avoided, had the dude been observant enough to spot the telltale signs early on. Rabbit Boilers (AKA RB’s) are quite unpredictable, but tend to exhibit some or all of the following behavior. Watch out if she:
1. Tries to answer your cell phone when it rings
2. Checks your Hotmail account (Note: Never use your nickname as your password in any internet application)
3. Calls your home more than thrice without leaving a message.
4. Starts fights because she thinks you are looking at other chicks
5. Shows up at your place unexpectedly
6. Calls late at night or early in the morning just to say hi
7. Says cheesy egocentric things when angry such as “when you’re with me, I’m #1).
8. Finds stuff accidentally around the house and asks about them. For example, “Sweetie, I just found this matchbook with a phone number in it, whose is it?” or “I picked up your pants and these condoms fell out.” Etc

Its easy to spot a rabbit boiler once you have broken up with her. She’s the one who:
• Calls and hangs up
• Keys your car
• Breaks into your house and hides, all the while listening to your phone conversations.
• Leaves long melodramatic messages on your answering machine
• Emails you incessantly with dumbass chain emails captioned “this is really funny.”

What to do if you think you might have a rabbit boiler on your hands:
1. Dump her early on..it’ll only get worse.
2. Always check the Caller ID before you answer the phone
3. Don’t delete her number from your cell phone . If you delete her, then your Caller ID won’t have her name associated with it). I recommend that you rename her in your cell phone. Try calling them Do Not Answer #1, DNA #2 etc. That way you will avoid the drunk dial urge as well.
4. Don’t EVER drunk dial her…see #3 above.
5. Hide your car. Park it in a garage or several blocks away.
6. Keep your eye out for her car. If it’s in or around your driveway, keep driving past and hide out at a friends house.
7. Change your locks …even if you don’t know if she has a key!
8. Avoid your usual hangouts, especially on new dates.
9. Setup your email options/properties so that it responds automatically to her with “Sorry, but there is no such person at this address.”

Codependent Chicks. Codependent babes are everywhere. Be wary. A codependent girl is the one who is needy and jealous. She will also monopolize your time and you won’t have any dude friends left within 3 months. Often times they have family issues and/or sexual abuse in their past. Chicks who cry after sex often fall into this category. I know its hard, but get rid of this one.

Chicks Who Are the First to Suggest the Skinny Dip. Usually codependent, always dangerous….proceed with caution. Could be a rabbit boiler in denial.
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Old 01-01-2003, 09:17 PM
  #2  
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DLISH is a splendid one to beholdDLISH is a splendid one to beholdDLISH is a splendid one to beholdDLISH is a splendid one to beholdDLISH is a splendid one to beholdDLISH is a splendid one to beholdDLISH is a splendid one to beholdDLISH is a splendid one to behold
wow

thats the best reading i've had in a long time!!!, but i have todisagree w/ the 150$ shades-d
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Old 01-01-2003, 10:00 PM
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damn jaxen ur the man u must have hunnys at ur place
all the time!!! keep pimpin
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Old 10-01-2003, 12:27 AM
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This is Gold

I had to kick this one up. Good stuff

I'd never read anything this long, but I saw Dlish gave it the thumbs up so I was like hell yea
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Old 10-02-2003, 11:52 AM
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GRSiK26 is just really niceGRSiK26 is just really niceGRSiK26 is just really niceGRSiK26 is just really nice
Pretty good, dont say I would agree with everything but DAMN CLOSE... I dont really like guys who are too pretty and always wear GAP or Abercrombie & Fitch... dont get me wrong it looks good but not my thing...

• Chest Hair. If you got it, show it. Some chicks say they don’t like it, but they really do. Keep two buttons open at all times. They’ll more often than not comment, and/or feel you up......... Older wemon like it (30-50).... DO NOT SHOW THAT ****..... Wear a shirt under that button down shirt!! nothing more disgusting than to see a bear coming out of the shirt!!!

• Jewelry. Chains and rings only work if you’re really good looking. Get rid of it all.... chains work especially if its thick preferably silver... rings and bracelets not necessary!! nice watch though!!
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Old 10-02-2003, 12:55 PM
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Pimp on playa
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