A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels

by Frank J.

Everyone has heard of the Homeland Security Advisory System by now and its
rainbow of colors, but most are confused of exactly what it means to them
about how they should act and live when it is at its different levels of
alert. That's why I've decided to create this guide make things clearer to
the people.

First, here is what the alert levels mean in general:
- Green (Low): All evil had been destroyed. The world is now a peaceful
utopia.
- Blue (Guarded): There's still the occasional pickpocket, so show a little
caution.
- Yellow (Elevated): Terror lurks in the shadows; be wary.
- Orange (High): The terrorists are out there and they are coming for YOU!
- Red (Severe): The world is exploding around you. The only law is your own
gun.

To be more specific, here is how you should you act in different situations
based on the alert levels.

How should I store my firearms?
- Green: Throw them in the fire. There is no more need for weapons.
- Blue: Wrap them in some rags and store them in the attic somewhere in
case you need them one day.
- Yellow: Keep both your guns and ammo readily accessible.
- Orange: Load your gun and carry it on you at all times, even around the
house.
- Red: The gun should be in your hand, pointed in front of you with your
finger resting on the trigger.

I see a stranger outside.
- Green: Maybe he could give your kids a ride to school.
- Blue: He might be lost; ask him what he's doing here.
- Yellow: Stay in your house and avoid him. Strangers bad.
- Orange: Run outside and pistol-whip him while questioning his involvement
with terrorism.
- Red: Kill him; no questions asked.

I hear a noise at night.
- Green: That's just the house settling; go back to sleep.
- Blue: Probably nothing, but you better check it out.
- Yellow: Grab your gun and call 911.
- Orange: No time for police; run through your house shooting anything that
moves.
- Red: Initiate the house's auto-destruct sequence; leap out window.

You see a hippy.
- Green: Punch him.
- Blue: Kick him.
- Yellow: Punch him then kick him.
- Orange: Punch him then kick him and then stomp on him.
- Red: Strangle him.

You receive a strange envelope in the mail with no return address.
- Green: Rip it open; who knows what fun lies inside!
- Blue: Open it carefully just in case.
- Yellow: Don't touch it and call the police.
- Orange: Can wait for the authorities; toss it out the window and then
unload a gun into it.
- Red: For the love of God, immediately flee from the envelope. Hunt down
and kill the mailman.

You see some movement in a nearby tree.
- Green: It's probably a squirrel. Hello squirrel.
- Blue: Better check out what it is to be on the safe side.
- Yellow: Might be the escaped monkey from the zoo. Better contact the
authorities.
- Orange: It's a ninja! Fire indiscriminately into the treetops.
- Red: Set fire to the tree and all trees around it. No safe haven for
ninjas!

You see a strange van parked nearby.
- Green: It must be an ice cream truck. Let's get ice cream.
- Blue: Check to make sure it's legally parked.
- Yellow: Better call the FBI to check this one out.
- Orange: Politely knock on the van door. Kill everyone inside.
- Red: Shoot the van with a rocket propelled grenade. Kill anyone who
protests; they're terrorists too.

You realize the person you are talking to is a Communist.
- Green: Kill him.
- Blue: Kill him.
- Yellow: Kill him.
- Orange: Kill him.
- Red: Kill him and burn his body.

You see a stray dog.
- Green: Go pet the cute little puppy.
- Blue: Better check if he has a dog tag so you can get him back to his
owner.
- Yellow: Call animal control.
- Orange: It's some sort of terrorist trick. Shoot the dog with a sniper
rifle.
- Red: Destroy the dog with a thermite charge and then kill all witnesses. :YEAH