The old one is getting loooooong... Here goes.

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the most beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
************

This guy is leaving town on business for a week and he's starting to get a little worried. You see, his wife is a nymphomaniac, and he knows that as soon as he leaves, she'll start to GET VERY HORNY and think to herself, "YOU'VE GOT TO GET SOME". So he goes to the adult toy shop to check out what they've got. And he notices there's an ornately carved wood box behind the counter. So he asks the salesman what it is, and the salesman says, "Oh...that's the voodoo *****. Here...let me show you." So the salesman opens the box, and there, lying on a bed of red velvet is what looks like an ordinary vibrator. The salesman says, "Watch this! Voodo *****-door!". The voodoo ***** rises from the box and flies across the room and begins banging like crazy against the keyhole! Before it can break the door down, the salesman says, "Voodoo *****-box!" and the ***** soars back and gently lands in its box.

Well, needless to say, the guy HAS to have the voodoo *****! At first the salesman refuses but after an hour of haggling and $1000, the man walks off with the magic dingus. He explains how it works to his wife, and kissing her goodbye, sets off on his trip. Now, she resists using it for two days, but finally, she starts to FEEL THE HORNINESS BUILDING INSIDE. She can't take it anymore, so she opens the box and says, "Voodoo *****-my *****!". The voodoo ***** slams into her and begins pumping her in every conceivable position and angle. She can't believe the power and precision; she's getting it with exactly the right strokes, exactly the right angles, exactly the right pressure and she starts to HAVE ORGASM AFTER THUNDERING ORGASM."

After two hours, she can't take it any more, but she can't pull the damn thing out! The harder she tries, the more it seems to change it's shape and adapt to her, to fill her exactly the way she needs to to drive her to WANT IT MORE AND MORE AND MORE WITHOUT STOPPING! She tries calling 911, but they don't believe her! So she decides to drive herself to the hospital. As she's headed down the road, she's moaning in pleasure and desire, because the ***** keeps making her HAVE UNBELIEVABLE ORGASMS. Because she's swerving all over the road, a motocycle cop pulls her over!! The cop wants to know if she's been drinking, and she says, "Officer...I wasn't drinking! It's all because of the voodoo-*****!"

And the cop says, "Voodoo *****, my ***!"

 

Sucks to be that cop.