Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you
always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work ****tail, a beer with
the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you
warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However,
lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that
you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips
(washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few
cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went
too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed
on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes,
upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what
is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm
sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do
not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this
thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from
talking to the girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer
belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so
disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I
know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I
ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my
daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure
that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy
hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you,

from your biggest fan.

 

ha i forwarded that to like 3 people