Got a few more.....herez yall go...! :YEAH


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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the *****. With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.'


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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'




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Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell 'naughty' stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.' They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.' The girls looked at one another, arose and started for

the door. 'Young ladies,' said the professor with a broad smile, 'the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon.'

:YEAH




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Women Tease
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. 'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.' This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache.'




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Mom and Dad's advice
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of *****?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's ***** is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the ***** are only there for decoration..."





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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder.

When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.

She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."




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Stuttering Problem
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your ***** is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the ***** and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"



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Awesome! Thats why you'r the thousandaire around here

 

Shhhh!!!!!

I do it for everyones entertainment purposes, not of any benefit of my own sheesh

 

that is fuggin great

 

gooooood stuff

 

I see poptarts fast reading self in here, post up!

 

dude thats funny stuff

 

UMMM...excuse me sir....need more jokes, please----

 

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

 

Good ones!! Thanks!

 

WHENN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE .. LET ME !

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're
looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart." ...........

 

Bwahahahahahaha!!!! That was a good one!

 

My ma sent me this...


Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He
started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and
began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now
he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn! that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned
and asked: What'! s going on, what are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what
a disappointment you must feel?

The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends!

Fin

Flip

 

 

yeah! funny!

 

that is great!!!