For All the Alcohol Lovers
05-09-2005, 12:20 AM
#1
Regular StuntLifer
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gates of Hell, FL
Posts: 181
For All the Alcohol Lovers
So funny and so true......enjoy 
Dear Alcohol, > >
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my >friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work >****tail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, >hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of >endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about >your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests >at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise >consequences: > >
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, >I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or >necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those >ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to >hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? > >
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that >I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and >some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat >after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, >but I think you went too far this time. > >
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do >more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home >by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & >blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond >me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the >front door key into the lock. > >
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting >ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's >debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is >completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the >proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) >prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with >a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere >with my daily activities. > >
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like >to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great >stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion >when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In >order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my >grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer >no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & >hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. > >
Thank you, Your biggest fan
Dear Alcohol, > >
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my >friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work >****tail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, >hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of >endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about >your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests >at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise >consequences: > >
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, >I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or >necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those >ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to >hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? > >
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that >I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and >some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat >after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, >but I think you went too far this time. > >
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do >more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home >by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & >blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond >me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the >front door key into the lock. > >
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting >ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's >debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is >completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the >proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) >prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with >a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere >with my daily activities. > >
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like >to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great >stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion >when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In >order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my >grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer >no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & >hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. > >
Thank you, Your biggest fan
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