A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says,
"Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your ****."




Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody **** anymore?"



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"




Important Press Release:

The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now
fully Year-2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it
as: "Y2KY Jelly".
Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is
that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two."




A tale from Alabama

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still
existed in 1999.

A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that
actually said "General Store", and that was it.

There was a little old man sitting in front of the
store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do
you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' ****."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to ****."





LMAO nice press release

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and
his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admittedfor
emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armagedon," my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next, "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair severely burning his face,. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.




Nice prank

The Wipe-Up

Find a friend who likes to show off or prove himself all the time, then
tell them you have a test of speed and reaction for them and that you
think you are faster. what you do is pour some water on a tile floor (a
puddle about 10" wide works well), grab a fork and a towel and tell them
you think you can wipe up the water before they poke you with the fork.
Also tell them that you are really quick and to make it fair they need to
sit on the floor near the puddle with their legs spread to the sides so
the puddle is between their knees. Here is where the fun stuff comes in,
tell them to go on three, then start counting (all the while you are
holding the towel) one - two - th....grab their feet and drag their ***
through it



can you imagine

In the 80's, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs
who claimed the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy
airport in Mt. Joy, Iowa. This is used mainly by the weekend
warriors, and once a year it's used for an air show. The
authorities were notified after an estimated 10,000 people
came to the airport. They asked the people why they were out
there, and they were given the story about the stealth fighter.

The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who
called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and
suspended for two weeks -- but not before some people at the
airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got
put on the air, and said that they couldn't see the thing. The
DJs replied that it was proof the technology worked.

To top it all off: the DJs said the only way that you could see
the plane was to move your head back and fourth -- like a chicken
when it walks -- and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of
your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would
never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were
doing just this when the police arrived!



redneck fishin

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing.
His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did
it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with
his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out
to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a
stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw
it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish
floated to the top. The game warden said, "That's illegal,
you can't do that."The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then
lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water.
The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the
top. The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this
boat back to shore...I'm going to have to give you a citation
and confiscate all your gear." The fisherman said,"Oh, really?"
He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into
the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and
keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"



tasty???

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then
reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger
feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below
his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to
start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the
tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just
lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer
and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."



bathroom entertainment?

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left.
You look left and it reads:
Look Right
You look right and it reads:
Look Left...



chain letter?


There are four basic types of chain letters:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chain Letter Type I

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents,
and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every
time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless
Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.

Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you
accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad
goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

 

I think I just peed