I got Jokes and Jokes and Jokes!
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From: Otown
I got Jokes and Jokes and Jokes!
I'm bored at work at 2am google searching my *** off for entertainment. thought you guys might like some jokes I thought were amusing! here goes:
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."
----------------
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Seņor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
----------------
Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself. "Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?" "All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!" "No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back, "He **** in my pants, too."
----------------
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
----------------
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
----------------
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his *****. She jumps back with shock.. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
-----------------
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
-----------------
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?'' The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''
------------------
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
------------------
What's the one thing you should never say in a Gay Bar?
Can I push your stool in?
------------------
How can you spot a tough lesbian bar? The pool tables don't have *****.
------------------
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a ******." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman. Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a ****** and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite ******!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman. Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
----------------
anyone else got any good ones?
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."
----------------
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Seņor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
----------------
Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself. "Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?" "All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!" "No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back, "He **** in my pants, too."
----------------
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
----------------
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
----------------
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his *****. She jumps back with shock.. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
-----------------
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
-----------------
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?'' The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''
------------------
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
------------------
What's the one thing you should never say in a Gay Bar?
Can I push your stool in?
------------------
How can you spot a tough lesbian bar? The pool tables don't have *****.
------------------
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a ******." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman. Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a ****** and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite ******!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman. Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
----------------
anyone else got any good ones?
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