Tom had been in business for 25 years and was
finally sick of the stress.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in
Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He saw the
postman once a week and
got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total
peace and quiet.

After six months or so of total isolation, someone
knocked on his door.
He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man
standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road. Having a Christmas party Friday night ...
thought you might like to
come... about 5:00."

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you!"

Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's
gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in
business, I can drink with the
best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n
likely gonna be some
fightin' too."

Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be
alright. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely
be some wild sex too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming
to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I
wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you
want.
Just gonna be the two of us."

 

Driving to the office

this morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my
left and there was a

woman

in a brand new

Cadillac

doing 65 mph

with her
face up next to her

rear view mirror

putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away

for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was


halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped
my electric shaver,

which knocked

the donut

out of my other hand.

In all
the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car

using my knees against
the steering wheel,

it knocked

my cell phone

away from my ear

which fell


into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed,

and burned

Big Jim and theTwins,

ruined the damn phone,

soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an
important call.


Damn women drivers ! !

 

Oldest joke ever. I think I saw this one on my happy meal when I was 5.