7 Steps to Successful Drinking
04-03-2003, 09:06 PM
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7 Steps to Successful Drinking
7 Steps to Successful Drinking
1.Preparation
Have you ever heard the expression 'Never drink on an empty stomach'. Well the 1st step to successful drinking is to completely ignore this. In fact don't eat anything 24 hours before the session is due to begin. This will ensure the effects of the alcohol having a faster effect.
PS Don't worry you will eat, only much much later.
2.Begin With The End in Mind
To different people, a session of successful drinking can lead to a different outcome. However I would class these 3 scenarios as an ideal conclusion to a successful drinking session:
1. Getting Laid
2. Getting arrested and looking at prison time
3. Unconscious in an alley lying in my own puke
3.Getting Ready
Required items:
Minimum of $80 (ideally borrowed with no intention of repayment)
3 Packets of Cigarettes & lighter (as above)
ID (as above)
A good attitude (later on this becomes just an attitude)
A large bottle of vodka for the morning (see 7)
4.The First Drink
Should be as early as possible and somewhere inexpensive. After all, this is the place where the transformation from a regular guy to a crazy, psychopathic, sex & alcohol crazed thug begins. To begin the session, order a beer and a vodka at the same time. Although people may tell you not to mix drinks. Tell them to "**** off." Rule: Always Mix Drinks. It achieves the desired effects much faster.
Tip: Cider & Tequila
5.Now You're Drunk
And the only things on your mind are more drinks and *****. Now the drinks are no problem as you still have a pocket full of notes* (and you just happened to go to the bathroom when it was your round).However ***** could be a problem. The problem is that, although in your intoxicated state you think that you are the best looking, best dressed, most charming, interesting, funny guy in the whole bar and really are gods gift to women, the truth is: you can't speak properly; your breath stinks; you have multiple alcohol (and other) stains on your new shirt; and the **** that is coming out of your mouth could put an amphetamine addict to sleep. My solution: Drink faster. There are women out there who will **** people like you. At first they may seem unattractive but as more alcohol is consumed they achieve model like status. Only at this point do you make your move.
*[money]
6.Food
By this time you are a pissed bastard and need some ****in food, fast. However, there must be no messing around with sissy-like salads and crap like that. The food you now devour must be the greasiest **** in town. If there is nowhere open, go to a 7-Eleven. Buy some butter. Heat it in the microwave and eat that. Only after eating can you continue your session of more drinking, ********, puking and childish vandalism.
7.The Morning After
Feeling hung over. I have no solution except drink more. You have got such a headache and ****ed up stomach that not even a bionic aspirin can help you. So go and pour a strong vodka & whatever and knock it back. Repeat this 9 times and the hangover soon becomes a memory. If you woke up in a strange women's bed then congratulations. You just indulged in some mindless, drunken sex without a care about contraception or if the women enjoyed it as much as you but who cares, there are more important things to worry about. Last night this woman looked like a supermodel. So in the morning do not look at here. Her supermodel looks may have changed to Godzilla with ****. Quickly drink the whole bottle of vodka (see step 2, Note: stash vodka under pillow) in under 2 minutes. Now you may look at the beauty you just shagged. However, move quickly leaving a wrong name and phone number before the vodka wears off. I call this 'the vodka trick'.
Repeat steps 1 to 7 until kidneys and liver fail
1.Preparation
Have you ever heard the expression 'Never drink on an empty stomach'. Well the 1st step to successful drinking is to completely ignore this. In fact don't eat anything 24 hours before the session is due to begin. This will ensure the effects of the alcohol having a faster effect.
PS Don't worry you will eat, only much much later.
2.Begin With The End in Mind
To different people, a session of successful drinking can lead to a different outcome. However I would class these 3 scenarios as an ideal conclusion to a successful drinking session:
1. Getting Laid
2. Getting arrested and looking at prison time
3. Unconscious in an alley lying in my own puke
3.Getting Ready
Required items:
Minimum of $80 (ideally borrowed with no intention of repayment)
3 Packets of Cigarettes & lighter (as above)
ID (as above)
A good attitude (later on this becomes just an attitude)
A large bottle of vodka for the morning (see 7)
4.The First Drink
Should be as early as possible and somewhere inexpensive. After all, this is the place where the transformation from a regular guy to a crazy, psychopathic, sex & alcohol crazed thug begins. To begin the session, order a beer and a vodka at the same time. Although people may tell you not to mix drinks. Tell them to "**** off." Rule: Always Mix Drinks. It achieves the desired effects much faster.
Tip: Cider & Tequila
5.Now You're Drunk
And the only things on your mind are more drinks and *****. Now the drinks are no problem as you still have a pocket full of notes* (and you just happened to go to the bathroom when it was your round).However ***** could be a problem. The problem is that, although in your intoxicated state you think that you are the best looking, best dressed, most charming, interesting, funny guy in the whole bar and really are gods gift to women, the truth is: you can't speak properly; your breath stinks; you have multiple alcohol (and other) stains on your new shirt; and the **** that is coming out of your mouth could put an amphetamine addict to sleep. My solution: Drink faster. There are women out there who will **** people like you. At first they may seem unattractive but as more alcohol is consumed they achieve model like status. Only at this point do you make your move.
*[money]
6.Food
By this time you are a pissed bastard and need some ****in food, fast. However, there must be no messing around with sissy-like salads and crap like that. The food you now devour must be the greasiest **** in town. If there is nowhere open, go to a 7-Eleven. Buy some butter. Heat it in the microwave and eat that. Only after eating can you continue your session of more drinking, ********, puking and childish vandalism.
7.The Morning After
Feeling hung over. I have no solution except drink more. You have got such a headache and ****ed up stomach that not even a bionic aspirin can help you. So go and pour a strong vodka & whatever and knock it back. Repeat this 9 times and the hangover soon becomes a memory. If you woke up in a strange women's bed then congratulations. You just indulged in some mindless, drunken sex without a care about contraception or if the women enjoyed it as much as you but who cares, there are more important things to worry about. Last night this woman looked like a supermodel. So in the morning do not look at here. Her supermodel looks may have changed to Godzilla with ****. Quickly drink the whole bottle of vodka (see step 2, Note: stash vodka under pillow) in under 2 minutes. Now you may look at the beauty you just shagged. However, move quickly leaving a wrong name and phone number before the vodka wears off. I call this 'the vodka trick'.
Repeat steps 1 to 7 until kidneys and liver fail
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