If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots:
Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane,
you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition ...
the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.


Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
and ...
"Oh #####!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying;
now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck;
two in a row is all luck;
three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation ... we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag
for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well ... something was forgotten.

Just remember ... if you crash because of weather,
your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable,
endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity ...
as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.

(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum.

(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing,
fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it;
ride the ##### down.

(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death
I Shall Fear No Evil
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing

(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan)
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

(Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same ****pit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)

The three best things in life are:
a good landing,
a good orgasm,
and a good bowel movement.
The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life
where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass ****pit' of
an A-320)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter ...
it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there.
4. You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal

 

Heh some of those are pretty funny

 

The three worst things to hear in the c.ockpit:
The second officer says, "Oh ****!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain say, "Hey, watch this!"

-anom.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God.

— Gordon Baxter
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain Oveur: "Ya ever been in a c.ockpit before?
Joey: "No sir, I've never been up in a plane before!
Captain Oveur: "Ya ever seen a grown man naked?

— from the 1980 movie 'Airplane'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
High-performance jet fighter, fully armed with missiles, guns. ECM equipment, fresh paint (stars and bars painted over), single seat, 97% reliability rate, will outclimb, outturn F-16, outrun F-14, low fuel burn (relatively), all digital avionics, radar, terrain following, INS, GPS, Tacan, used only for testing and sales promotion. Now in storage.
Contact Northrop Corp. Will trade for Mig-25 and home address of Air Force Acquisition officer.

— ad found in 'Pacific Flyer' magazine, shortly after the F-20 program was cancelled.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My definition of an optimist has to be the Luftwaffe F-104 pilot who gave up smoking!

— John Wiley


Quick side note: C.ock is blocked, but **** is not? WTF!?!??!!!!

 

Oh, you hit on a subject I'm in with

Aviationisms
When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

Never trade luck for skill.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest. To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide quickly which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more that Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of you belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

This was overheard on an American Airlines flight on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in you seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

An airline pilot had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
with us". He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

What's the difference between a Jet engine and a Flight Attendant? The engines stop whining at the gate

That's all I could find for now, Lucky got most of them