ChoCha

Kinda Long but its not like any one on here actually works... :YEAH



"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other
two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.


Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.


Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.


Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.


Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they
saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.


Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.


Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the
beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chili.


Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting
to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.


Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...


Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of
spices and peppers.


Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.


Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will
eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.


Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.


Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is
cursing
uncontrollably.


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.


Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted
to
really hot chili?