Taking a dizzump at work!
01-29-2004, 05:32 AM
#1
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Age: 39
Posts: 6,594
Taking a dizzump at work! <i>How to **** at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release and escapee, do no acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is ****ing proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom. Hmm...wonder who would fall into this category.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the OUT OF CLOSET POOPERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominatley of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occure when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will removed all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with and ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
</i>
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release and escapee, do no acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is ****ing proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom. Hmm...wonder who would fall into this category.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the OUT OF CLOSET POOPERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominatley of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occure when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will removed all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with and ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
</i>
01-29-2004, 07:48 AM
#3
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Albuquerque New Mexico
Age: 47
Posts: 730
Re: Taking a dizzump at work! I say just let the **** flow... Then say.. "Can you smell that ****??? Uh huh... yep, that was me!!!" Then waft it towards all your friends!!! :YEAH
Don't be scurred....
Don't be scurred....
01-29-2004, 07:56 AM
#5
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Denver
Age: 42
Posts: 7,643
Re: Taking a dizzump at work!
Originally Posted by covertwar
wtf is wrong with you????
Fu(k this military gettin up early ****
01-30-2004, 01:59 AM
#7
www.myspace.com/emrock
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Tampa,FL
Age: 43
Posts: 4,470
Re: Taking a dizzump at work!
Originally Posted by Lotensin22
If someone tries to force the door, I just yell, "Thank God you're here, lemme open the door for you, I need a hand!"
lmfao thats great
01-30-2004, 10:47 AM
#14
I Enjoy Posting At StuntLife!
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: .........
Posts: 2,676
Re: Taking a dizzump at work!
bla bla bla, kiss my pee pee
And for the record, I love shitting at work. That's fifteen minutes I don't have to spend on my computer
Farting at work is even better. Everyone avoids me.
And for the record, I love shitting at work. That's fifteen minutes I don't have to spend on my computer
Farting at work is even better. Everyone avoids me.
$H!T
01-30-2004, 06:20 PM
#17
Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Regina, Sask
Age: 38
Posts: 181
Re: Taking a dizzump at work!
I have fun with this **** at school. I walk into the bathroom and kick each one of the toilet stalls. I've done it all this year and even more last year. Everyone uses the stall closest the door. Consequently the one I kick first. I just do it as i'm walking by, and it serves its purpose quite well.
What purpose u ask? Well, if i'm standing at the urinal, and I say something to someone I know who's in there, or if I just want to make a mess in the place, its nice to know no one else is in there with me.
I'll often walk by, kick the first stall door, and it swings open. But more often than not i'll walk in and kick it and it won't. In this case I pause and listen for a second, to hear the sploosh of a log cut-off in mid exit, or the rattle of the person ensuring the door is locked, or sometimes a gush of water if they **** themselves.
Quite bastardly of me, but funny too. If i'm in a bad mood i'll walk in, look at the door, if its locked i'll boot it so hard it smashes open, and then leave before they realise what has happened... Seriosly, i've done it.
What are they gonna do, come running out after me?
What purpose u ask? Well, if i'm standing at the urinal, and I say something to someone I know who's in there, or if I just want to make a mess in the place, its nice to know no one else is in there with me.
I'll often walk by, kick the first stall door, and it swings open. But more often than not i'll walk in and kick it and it won't. In this case I pause and listen for a second, to hear the sploosh of a log cut-off in mid exit, or the rattle of the person ensuring the door is locked, or sometimes a gush of water if they **** themselves.
Quite bastardly of me, but funny too. If i'm in a bad mood i'll walk in, look at the door, if its locked i'll boot it so hard it smashes open, and then leave before they realise what has happened... Seriosly, i've done it.
What are they gonna do, come running out after me?
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