A few jokes.....
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,085
From: Tulsa, Oklahoma
A few jokes.....
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one painful headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the
first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need
a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size
44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2
neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32
underwear would press your ********* up against the base of your
spine and give you one great headache."
New suit = $600
New shirt = $36
New underwear = $6
Second opinion PRICELESS.
------------------------------------------
An elderly man in Kansas City had owned a large game preserve for several years.
He had a large pond in the front, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast
------------------------------------
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
-------------------------------------
A police officer sent this to a friend of mine. It is not for the faint-hearted.
If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the link below.
It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real.
Click here: http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one painful headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the
first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need
a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size
44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2
neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32
underwear would press your ********* up against the base of your
spine and give you one great headache."
New suit = $600
New shirt = $36
New underwear = $6
Second opinion PRICELESS.
------------------------------------------
An elderly man in Kansas City had owned a large game preserve for several years.
He had a large pond in the front, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast
------------------------------------
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
-------------------------------------
A police officer sent this to a friend of mine. It is not for the faint-hearted.
If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the link below.
It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real.
Click here: http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
good ones! 
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