Medicare


> >The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
> "Hello".
> >"Mrs. Ward, please."
> >"Speaking."
> >"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical
> Testing
> >Laboratory.When your doctor sent your husband's
> biopsy to the lab
> >yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived
> as well, and we
> >are now uncertain which one is your husband's.
> Frankly the results
> >are either bad or terrible."
> >"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
> >"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
> Alzheimer's and the
> >other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell
> which is your
> >husband's."
> >"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
> questioned Mrs.
> >Ward.
> >"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for
> these expensive
> >tests one time."
> >"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
> >"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop
> your husband off
> >somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his
> way home, don't
> >sleep with him."




-----------------------------------------------------






An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your ********* are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
********* are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his *********, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his ********* as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's ********* were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
***** of the President of the Bank of Canada!"




------------------------------------------------------




One Day at the Welfare Office
>
> A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to
the
> counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
>
> I'd really rather have a job."
>
> The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent.
> We
> just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur
> bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
>
> You,ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
of
> your
> clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be
> expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.You will have
to
> satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
above the
> garage.The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
>
> The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
>
> The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
>

 

Lmao.......

 

I was wonderin if anyone would ever comment on my jokes dammit lol...