Yet even more jokes....
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I Enjoy Posting At StuntLife!
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,085
From: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Yet even more jokes....
Ok, I dont think these jokes(for the most part) are anywhere near as good as the other million I've posted, but upon request in the other thread I had to post some new jokes up...Some ive heard, some I havent....here ya go...enjoy....PS: I'm still runnin this ish!! 
----------------------------------------------------
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized
they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do
their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so
she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a
large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls
nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
----------------------------------------------------
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
----------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p1ss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a ten!!!"
----------------------------------------------------
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her pantys and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your pantys!"
"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
----------------------------------------------------
Naughty photo
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both
virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they
graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college
on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each
other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl
and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.
Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to
him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls,
letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new
boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed.
So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
----------------------------------------------------
One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of lonely. He had a busy day ahead of him,
but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to
see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise,
Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.
Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before
she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my a$$ sure is sore!"
----------------------------------------------------
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his ***** in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had
daddy's ***** in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?"
"Jewelery, dear. Jewelry"
----------------------------------------------------
Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
----------------------------------------------------
Crowded Subway
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
----------------------------------------------------
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope
you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
----------------------------------------------------
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister
replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of ******."
----------------------------------------------------
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. ".....So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
----------------------------------------------------
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized
they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do
their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so
she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a
large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls
nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
----------------------------------------------------
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
----------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p1ss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a ten!!!"
----------------------------------------------------
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her pantys and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your pantys!"
"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
----------------------------------------------------
Naughty photo
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both
virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they
graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college
on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each
other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl
and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.
Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to
him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls,
letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new
boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed.
So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
----------------------------------------------------
One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of lonely. He had a busy day ahead of him,
but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to
see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise,
Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.
Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before
she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my a$$ sure is sore!"
----------------------------------------------------
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his ***** in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had
daddy's ***** in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?"
"Jewelery, dear. Jewelry"
----------------------------------------------------
Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
----------------------------------------------------
Crowded Subway
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
----------------------------------------------------
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope
you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
----------------------------------------------------
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister
replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of ******."
----------------------------------------------------
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. ".....So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
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