Yes, More JOKES.....Volume 5 haha....
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I Enjoy Posting At StuntLife!
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,085
From: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Yes, More JOKES.....Volume 5 haha....
A lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo a picture of Robert Redford on her right upper thigh and a picture of Paul Newman on her left upper thigh.
The artist does so, and when he finishes hands her a mirror so she can inspect the work.
She looks at the left thigh and says, "Wow! That’s definitely Paul Newman. Just look at those blue eyes." Then she looks at the right thigh and complains, "That doesn’t look like Robert Redford."
The artist disagrees and says they need to find an impartial judge.
They go to the bar next door and ask the first guy they meet to identify the tattoos. She raises her skirt and drops her panties, and he gets his face up close and says, "Well, ma’am, the one on your left thigh is definitely Paul Newman. He even has the blue eyes. The one on your right I’m not sure about—but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.
In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing.
The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.”
“OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer.
“What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?”
John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.”
“And how old are you?” the officer asked John.
“I’m 25,” John replied.
“And how old is she?” asked the officer.
John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
As Joe walked out of a brothel, he was overcome by a sudden pang of hunger and decided to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant across the street. He sat down and ordered chicken noodle soup. After a few bites, he found a pubic hair in his soup and told the waitress he wanted a refund. The waitress remonstrated, “Knowing where you just came from, you’re complaining of a hair in your soup?”
Joe replied, “Lady, if I had found a noodle in the ‘meal’ I ordered from the brothel, I wouldn’t have paid there either!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that ’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her, they kiss, and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it? ”
The woman says, “You can have any teddy bear from the bottom shelf.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.
“Jeez,” says the mailman, “this is great, but what’s with the two dollars?”
“Well,” she replies, “since you’re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ‘Fuck him—give him a couple of bucks.’ Breakfast was my idea.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, “But, sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”
“Open it now!” he demands.
She opens the vault, and it’s full of test tube samples.
“Take one and drink it,” says the guy.
“But it’s sperm!” she pleads.
“Do it!”
So the nurse sucks it back.
“That one there, drink that one as well,” he continues.
The nurse does as she’s told.
Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It’s her husband! “See?” he says. “Was it that bad?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth, so she shaves, cleans up, and goes to the doctor for the procedure. She wakes up to find three roses on her bed, so she asks the nurse who sent the roses.
The nurse says, “The doctor was really happy to have such a clean work area, so to show his appreciation, he sent you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he cannot wait to dig into that nice tight love patch.”
“What about the third rose?” asks the patient.
“Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”
The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to fuck with anybody who can eat that much ice cream!”
I OWN the comedy section dammit, i should be the MOD over this b1tch.....RUFF, your jokes aint got **** on me SON! 
The artist does so, and when he finishes hands her a mirror so she can inspect the work.
She looks at the left thigh and says, "Wow! That’s definitely Paul Newman. Just look at those blue eyes." Then she looks at the right thigh and complains, "That doesn’t look like Robert Redford."
The artist disagrees and says they need to find an impartial judge.
They go to the bar next door and ask the first guy they meet to identify the tattoos. She raises her skirt and drops her panties, and he gets his face up close and says, "Well, ma’am, the one on your left thigh is definitely Paul Newman. He even has the blue eyes. The one on your right I’m not sure about—but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.
In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing.
The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.”
“OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer.
“What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?”
John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.”
“And how old are you?” the officer asked John.
“I’m 25,” John replied.
“And how old is she?” asked the officer.
John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
As Joe walked out of a brothel, he was overcome by a sudden pang of hunger and decided to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant across the street. He sat down and ordered chicken noodle soup. After a few bites, he found a pubic hair in his soup and told the waitress he wanted a refund. The waitress remonstrated, “Knowing where you just came from, you’re complaining of a hair in your soup?”
Joe replied, “Lady, if I had found a noodle in the ‘meal’ I ordered from the brothel, I wouldn’t have paid there either!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that ’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her, they kiss, and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it? ”
The woman says, “You can have any teddy bear from the bottom shelf.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.
“Jeez,” says the mailman, “this is great, but what’s with the two dollars?”
“Well,” she replies, “since you’re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ‘Fuck him—give him a couple of bucks.’ Breakfast was my idea.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, “But, sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”
“Open it now!” he demands.
She opens the vault, and it’s full of test tube samples.
“Take one and drink it,” says the guy.
“But it’s sperm!” she pleads.
“Do it!”
So the nurse sucks it back.
“That one there, drink that one as well,” he continues.
The nurse does as she’s told.
Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It’s her husband! “See?” he says. “Was it that bad?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth, so she shaves, cleans up, and goes to the doctor for the procedure. She wakes up to find three roses on her bed, so she asks the nurse who sent the roses.
The nurse says, “The doctor was really happy to have such a clean work area, so to show his appreciation, he sent you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he cannot wait to dig into that nice tight love patch.”
“What about the third rose?” asks the patient.
“Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”
The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to fuck with anybody who can eat that much ice cream!”
I OWN the comedy section dammit, i should be the MOD over this b1tch.....RUFF, your jokes aint got **** on me SON! 
man whore
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 4,881
From: Loyal citizen of Zamunda
Re: Yes, More JOKES.....Volume 5 haha....
I OWN the comedy section dammit, i should be the MOD over this b1tch.....RUFF, your jokes aint got **** on me SON!
But you're gonna laugh... oh yes... you will laugh.
Thread Starter
I Enjoy Posting At StuntLife!
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,085
From: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Re: Yes, More JOKES.....Volume 5 haha....
Originally Posted by Ruff
Heh! That's cause I just started posting in here... You just wait... I got some jokes so corny you're gonna wanna kill yourself for laughing at em.
But you're gonna laugh... oh yes... you will laugh.
But you're gonna laugh... oh yes... you will laugh.
You couldnt see me with binoculars Ruff! Thread Starter
I Enjoy Posting At StuntLife!
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,085
From: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Re: Yes, More JOKES.....Volume 5 haha....
Originally Posted by Virginia Pee
The last three were hilarious....
...Ya so angry most the damn time... 
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