An engineer, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to
heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world; your reward is you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven. "The Engineer thought about it for a minute and
then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne
Room, and introduced him to God. The engineer then asked God, "Hey, aren't you
the inventor of Woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said the engineer,
professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." 1.
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters
constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too
much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. 5. And finally, the
maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points
there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of
paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."

 

nice

 

 

 

lol hahahaa

 

i thought it was a good one

 

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty
years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a
pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to
be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and
went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

 

ive read that before...thats a trip.....

 

 

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
>could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
>dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
>the counter. "You don't?" "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was
>the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order >
>six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

 

couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just
>a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to
>mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash
>register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
>mixed.
>
>After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
>"Divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan
>it. Not finding the bar code, she asked me "Do you know how much
>this is?", and I said to her, >>>>>"I've changed my mind, I don't
>think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things
>and left. She had no clue what had just happened

 

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
>and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was
>doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
>asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy"

 

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do
>you need some help? I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
>replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't
>get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
>convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do
>you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
>answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
>manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
>there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

 

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
>she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out
>of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
>secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece
>of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
>five "blank" copies.

 

Lol How 'bout his one?

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal chambers to address this issue, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, when applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Pay your bills!

 

Black Panties

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his
birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario.

She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the
first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care
of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and
he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.
Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he
owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave
one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded."

The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing
so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire
portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of
taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just
talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances
in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not
totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing
well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new
Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

 

Anyone want the 2003 Darwin Award winners finalists?

 

hahahahahah lol