stupid people
Thread Starter
dedrater
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 9,815
From: Lewiston, Me
stupid people
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid"
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You
wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse
me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." ...
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was
full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our
driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's
your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy
of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up
this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -
Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark
bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks,
and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't
wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into
one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The
attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me.
Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A
guy came over to the house and drove the car around
for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he
gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See?
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of
adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of
a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it
out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.
He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I
thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...
until he says "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't
help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig,
then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge
...Here's your sign!".
Talking about stupid people, I was behind a lady in a grocery store at the checkout counter. The cashier scanned her items and bagged them as the lady wrote out a check. She hemmed and hawwed a bit trying to recall the correct date to write on her check, or so I thought.
She then clearly and in all seriousness asked the cashier "how do you spell IGA?"
I must say its been quite a while since I've done some serious upwards eye-rolling at someone. Tsk.
Celebrity Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama, 1994 Miss USA Pageant
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researches also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Mat Lauer, Today Show, NBC
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks
(more sports quotes)
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, Washing, D.C. Mayor
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle, U.S. Vice President
Actual Letters to Landlords
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my *** off."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays
(actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms)
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You
wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse
me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." ...
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was
full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our
driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's
your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy
of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up
this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -
Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark
bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks,
and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't
wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into
one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The
attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me.
Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A
guy came over to the house and drove the car around
for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he
gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See?
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of
adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of
a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it
out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.
He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I
thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...
until he says "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't
help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig,
then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge
...Here's your sign!".
Talking about stupid people, I was behind a lady in a grocery store at the checkout counter. The cashier scanned her items and bagged them as the lady wrote out a check. She hemmed and hawwed a bit trying to recall the correct date to write on her check, or so I thought.
She then clearly and in all seriousness asked the cashier "how do you spell IGA?"
I must say its been quite a while since I've done some serious upwards eye-rolling at someone. Tsk.
Celebrity Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama, 1994 Miss USA Pageant
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researches also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Mat Lauer, Today Show, NBC
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks
(more sports quotes)
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, Washing, D.C. Mayor
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle, U.S. Vice President
Actual Letters to Landlords
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my *** off."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays
(actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms)
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,182
From: verticaloutlaw land....south ME
Re: stupid people
Originally Posted by WINGMAN
i just saved myself 5 minutes by not reading this
and now have my middle finger pointed straight at vjay.
btw, still see my dad at NAMBLA
and now have my middle finger pointed straight at vjay.
btw, still see my dad at NAMBLA
nope it was your mom......she had a mustache
I Enjoy Posting At StuntLife!
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 3,019
From: Manch
Re: stupid people
Originally Posted by verticalfrank
who wants a mustache ride.......
......I do, I do!
......I do, I do!
...look who's talkin Denim Dan...
you look like the president, chairman and CEO of Levi Strauss!
Where did you get the canadian tuxedo
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