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Chosen One 08-05-2004 04:33 PM

Help Me Get Revenge!
Ok, need everyones input and help on this one. I have this mean ass old lady, crabby, fat, nasty, saggy tittied bitch for a boss. The kinda lady that is NEVER wrong, and every day finds something wrong to tell you about yourself, or your job. The type of boss that treats you like a red head'd step child, that just kicks you when your down. that always trys to pick a fight with you and send you home. JUST A DUCHEBAG! How can i get back at her? no car shit, no bomb her house and no computer/desk shit, cuz im never really alone when at work. she works up in office, i work outback. Give me some good, deep down dirty shit i can do/use. Thanks...he he :mad:

ChrisNoF4i 08-05-2004 04:35 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
Fish-eye.donkeypunch.STD :shruggs

RSixxer01 08-05-2004 04:36 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
what do you do for work?

Zuki750 08-05-2004 04:38 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
[QUOTE=Chosen One]Ok, need everyones input and help on this one. I have this mean ass old lady, crabby, fat, nasty, saggy tittied bitch for a boss. The kinda lady that is NEVER wrong, and every day finds something wrong to tell you about yourself, or your job. The type of boss that treats you like a red head'd step child, that just kicks you when your down. that always trys to pick a fight with you and send you home. JUST A DUCHEBAG! How can i get back at her? no car shit, no bomb her house and no computer/desk shit, cuz im never really alone when at work. she works up in office, i work outback. Give me some good, deep down dirty shit i can do/use. Thanks...he he :mad:[/QUOTE]

Sign her up for a bunch of shit online and by mail that has to do with gay shit, fetish, etc. have it go to her at work or her work email.

There must be a way for you to hide frozen shrimp in her office somewhere. A few days go by and that shit will really stink.

paul600f3 08-05-2004 04:39 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
accuse her of sexual harrassment, say she tried to make you her bitch

Jay6 08-05-2004 04:42 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
Put her car in a free for the taking add and use her work # as the contact. It will be ringing off the hook for weeks :laughing

Joker 08-05-2004 04:42 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
[QUOTE=paul600f3]accuse her of sexual harrassment, say she tried to make you her bitch[/QUOTE]

Then tell them it worked.

od1nixer 08-05-2004 05:08 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: SPOOGESICKLE!

or the nympho personal ad is good, too

roxy 08-05-2004 05:15 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
[QUOTE=Zuki750]Sign her up for a bunch of shit online and by mail that has to do with gay shit, fetish, etc. have it go to her at work or her work email.
I have to say… this is a good one and the only fix is to change her email address.
Someone did this to my boss, over time as his e-mail address was traded from one porn / spam distributor to another, he eventually received so much junk / porn / viagra adds that his outlook would lock up every time he opened the program. End result I had to go & delete it everyday, it was extremely disturbing. Don’t get me wrong I like porn, but this was overwhelming. The most upsetting to me was the photos of the “minors” with cum on their faces…
Sign her up for personals, drug adds, porn sites, college girls ect.

You never know she might find what she is looking for I quit giving you a hard time. Sign her up for some bondage crap.

phool2 08-05-2004 05:31 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
[QUOTE=Jay6]Put her car in a free for the taking add and use her work # as the contact. It will be ringing off the hook for weeks :laughing[/QUOTE]

I tell you , this is a great one!

Angel Of Death 08-06-2004 05:34 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
ever seen "Changing Lanes"? where Ben Afleck pays some computer nerd to bankrupt Sam Jackson? That would totally rule if you could pull it off!

or you could make annonymous phone calls (payphone) to the Dept. Social Services and tell them that you are her neighbor and suspect her of child pornographing and indecent exposure to children. Then call up DEA and tell them you suspect her of running a coke ring out of her basement. Then plant weed in her ashtray and call the cops "cuz she has weed in her car in plain view" but make sure its enough to constitute dealing. i could go on and on PM me for more cuz my wrists hurt from typing (and beating off)

Angel Of Death 08-06-2004 05:37 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
The Avenger's Handbook
Pål D. Ekran
October 11, 1999

``Oh people, know that you have committed great sins. If you ask me what proof I have for these words, I say it is because I am the punishment of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.''
-- Genghis Kahn, Bukhara 1220

Copyright and information
The Avenger's Handbook
Copyright ©1993-99 Pål D. Ekran
Published by Ekran Design 1999
Ekran Design - [url][/url]
ISBN 82-995215-0-5
Distribution terms
You may copy and distribute verbatim copies of this text as you receive it, in any medium, provided that you conspicuously and appropriately publish it completely and without any modifications either in content or format, including the introduction and this copyright notice. Thus follows that you bring forward these same, limited rights as you are hereby granted, to any further recipients of this document.
You may charge a nominal fee for the physical act of transferring a copy of this document, however this fee must not extend beyond the cost of the physical medium and transportation of it. You may not charge anything for wired or aired transmissions of this text.
The author assumes no responsibility for the use or misuse of the ideas described. The author specifically disclaims any personal liability, loss or risk incurred as a consequence of the use, either directly or indirectly, of any information presented herein. As this book is made freely available it comes with absolutely no warranty, in particular regarding the authenticity or accuracy of any action described herein.
Some of the schemes described in this book are illegal to perform, and most of them will make your target suffer in one way or another. You should consider this text as a source of amusement, not as a manual of how to create havoc and get yourself into trouble.
About this book
This entire book was written using the vim editor. In the beginning the hardware consisted of an Amiga 600, and at the end, a IBM Thinkpad 600 running Redhat Linux.
The book's final layout and typesetting was done with LATEX2e.

• Copyright and information
• Contents
• Introduction
o Safety and planning
 A few tings to always keep in mind
• Long distance revenge
o Danger of detection
 Telephone precautions
o The mail system
 The power of empty messages
 Unpaid post
 Forged letters
 Junk mail
o The telephone
 Precautions ad teidium
 Basics
 Phone terrorism
 Making ``appointments''
 Pagers
 Fax machines
 Handling telemarketing and pranksters
 Handling pranksters
o The Internet
 Regarding logging
 Basics
 Internet revenge ideas
 Dealing with Internet harassment
 Spammers
• Destructive payback
o The car
 Paint jobs
 At the windshield
 Tire havoc
 Under the hood
 The gas tank
 Other car action
o The garden
 The lawn
 The garage
 The mailbox
 Walls, fountains and bugs
 Protecting your garden
o The residence
 Dorms and similar places
 Doors in general
 Telly terrorism
 Loud music
 The bathroom
 The bedroom
 The kitchen
• The work place
o Introduction
o Friends and foes
 The friendly
 The hostile
o At the office
o Grocery stores
o The computer
 Messing with software
 Messing with hardware
• The institutional
o The government
 The police
 Got a parking ticket?
 Politicians
 Hospitals
 Military
 Tax collectors are your friends
o The company
 The bank
 The good cause
 Restaurants
 Laundries
 Doctors and dentists
o The school
 Teachers
 Fellow students
 The school building
• Miscellaneous
o Sticky stuff
 Glue
 Insulation
o The annoying and irritating
 Annoying roommates
o Embarrassment
o Things that go boom!
o Wreaking weddings
• Epilogue
• Acknowledgements
• Index

``The mark is anyone who has done something unpleasant, foul, unforgivable, or fatal to you, your family, your property or your friends. Never think of a mark as a victim of dirty tricks. Think of the mark as a very deserving target of revenge.''
-- George Hayduke, Make'em Pay!
It is difficult to sit down after working on a project for 6 years, and write an introduction to its final state. If there is still any doubt, this is the final release of the Avenger's Handbook. You may stop sending me all ideas on how to get even with someone, they will not be included in any future release.
It all started in the late young days of the Internet, around september 1993 and just a few ``hours'' before that horrible moment when someone came up with the tragic idea that everyone should have access to the net. It was fall and I had just attended my first class at the University of Tromsø, in Norway. It was also just weeks after I had been introduced to alt.flame, talk.bizzarre and alt.shenanigans. In an instant (actually it took three new-group messages) the newsgroup alt.revenge had been created and started to bring messages to the feed. Thanks to Jens Stark, the creator of alt.revenge.
After being one of the active participants in the group for a while, I took it upon myself the task of collecting all of the best ideas into a text file. This text file became the Avenger's Handbook, and it has been available on the net since 1994. With the web came the Avenger's FrontPage, which has acted as a front end for the Avenger's Handbook and various other texts following the same topic.
In 1997 the Avenger's FrontPage was one of the most successful revenge pages on the net, and during this time I started to plan a complete rewrite of the Avenger's Handbook. Throughout a week with seven sleepless nights (and sleep full days) I managed to crank down about 90KB of raw text, using material from the old Avenger's Handbook. I spent most of the time selecting from the old text and removing the ideas that weren't suitable. Much rewriting was required to make the new text look more like a real book, even if I sometimes wrote a few words, it never lead to any real progress.
Then in 1999 I reopened my file and started to work on the text again. Through May, June and July I sent the text to some voluntary proofreaders who did great improvements on it. Afterwards I finalized the layout and released it.
The frequent reader of the Avenger's FrontPage will find that most of the material in this book are taken from the Avenger's Handbook, from the Alt.revenge FAQ and from my own experience in alt.revenge. I have tried to make this document different from the old Avenger's Handbook, and I have tried to keep it short and interesting enough to make a good online book suitable for anyone to read. I'll let you be the judge of whether I succeeded or not.
Safety and planning
``Our sense of revenge is as exact as our mathematical faculty, and until both terms of the equations are satisfied we can not get over the sense of something left undone.''
-- Inazo Nitobe, Bushido
The typical lifecycle of a revenge scheme often starts with someone, a person or a member of an organization, doing something wrong to you, or someone close to you. At that moment you, the victim, would most likely be in a state of anger, hate or sadness. At least you should be in a state where you wish to get even at the one, or the ones, who wronged you. The worst thing that could happen at this moment is that you sharpen your swords of vengeance and go on right at it.
Revenge done in haste is such a waste, and the Sicilians did really know what they were talking about when they were saying, ``Revenge is a dish best served cold.'' It is time to sit back, heal your wounds and start plotting your payback. This could take months, and even years, depending on how severe the offense was and how severe the payback should be.
It wouldn't surprise me if 50% of the avengers who get caught are people who start their mission of vengeance at a time that is too close to the crime. I would also guess that 40% of the ones who get caught, did not act out of a plan. Or they planned it badly without thought or skill. There rest 10% are the ones who simply get unlucky, where the unknown plays a factor that is not calculable.
The life-span of a general revenge scheme should therefore start with the offense, continue with a great deal of patience, evolve through thorough planning and reconnaissance, reconsidered, and if necessarily some more patience, until you one day deploy your plan. After that you have hopefully gotten your vengeance, then everything related to this should be buried and forgotten. You might also decide to forget it, that it's not worth the effort or risk.
One different way of handling this is to make a list of all your marks. This list could be something as direct as a little database with names, addresses, their crime and any other relevant and irrelevant pieces of information. Every now and then you get your list, fill in some gaps and delete obsolete data. When the right time comes you seem to strike out of nowhere, and before the mark knows what hit him, you are gone again. An advantage of this approach is that you can play several marks against each other, and you could sit on your list for years, making your marks less suspicious and unaware.
There might also be times when you really want your mark to know who you are. This would be in situations where you're participating in a direct revenge, or prank-war. This is a situation where nobody wins and should be avoided. Still, if you entangle yourself into this kind of situation, make sure that your mark can't document any threats or actions done by you, as these cases tend to end up in a courthouse. Electronic evidence and plans should be carefully encrypted, or it might get used against you. Also be aware of the fact that these types of wars have the tendency of escalating to a point where things really get out of hand. The best way is the safe way, without much chance of retaliation and detection. Patience, persistence, planning and then finally the realization.
After the patience comes planning, and with planning comes surveillance. Every fact and every detail about your mark should be gathered and organized. The more you know about your mark, the better. This involves information about his home and work address, telephone number, email address, habits, bank accounts, his social security number, wife, lovers, children, his fear, what he likes, dislikes, car license plate, daily and weekly routines, hobbies, religion, etc.
When all the pieces are gathered, you'll have a concept of who your mark is, and you may determine which way to get back at him would be the most efficient. This is where your plan forms and it should include all the ``what, when and how's'' that you can come up with. The plan should also have contingency plans that describe how to act if you're exposed, and how to act if your mark or the authorities confronts you later with your deeds.
Still, no-matter how well you have planned and executed your revenge scheme, there's always the chance that you'll end up among the 10% unlucky ones. One net.friend of mine once said, ``Be prepared to do the time for the crime,'' and indeed, if you can't afford getting caught, then you shouldn't do anything at all. All around the world there are people in prison, people who thought they would never get caught, some of which are very smart.
A few tings to always keep in mind
Here are a few things to always keep in mind:
Never use your own telephone. Why? Because your target can then track you with ease. It really only takes a caller-id and an increasing number of people are getting it. Also, the telephone companies could be logging all the calls that we make. Use a phone-booth away from your vicinity and the path where you usually travel.
Never drive to your mark's house with your own car. People you know might see it, and later when your mark asks questions, it may surface again.
Never work with your bare hands uncovered. Even if you have never been fingerprinted in the past, such as for a military service, there is no guarantee that this luxury will continue. Wear gloves instead, but don't throw them away at the crime scene or you may be forced to try them out in a courtroom.
Never let anyone see you. This might sound obvious, but wearing black clothes at night might be a good idea. Just don't stand out too much from your surroundings. Sometimes dressing casual might be better than dressing dark, and camouflage gear is definitely out of the question.
Never talk to anyone about what you have done. If someone confronts you with the issue, act ignorant. This is where many people fail and get caught. They have a trusted friend, who has a trusted friend, who has a trusted friend, etc.
Never steal anything, unless you plan to throw it into a river before you get home. It would be real hard to explain if someone found an object belonging to your mark at your place after he has had a break in.
Never use your own handwriting or your own printer. Even if you try to forge the handwriting it is possible that they might trace it back to you. A printer or a typewriter will also have its own characteristics, often there is a character with certain distinction due to wear and tear. The best thing is to use one at a university, a school or one that is otherwise publicly accessible.
Never use saliva on stamps and envelopes. DNA analysis is now a fact of life. People have been convicted because they did this. Water from the spring will do just fine.
Never involve an accomplice, unless it is absolutely necessary. The fewer who know about your work, the better it is. Even if that other person is someone you trust with your life, it still increases the risk when more people know about it.
Never threaten your mark. If you threaten your mark then he knows you'll be up to something. He'll also know where to start looking when something has happened and what names to fill under suspicious persons in the entry box of a police report.
Never mail a letter from or near your home city/town, workplace, etc. Use a re-mailer-service instead, or a trusted friend from out of town.
Never buy supplies from a local dealer, and never use your credit card or check in the purchase. These are obvious, but unfortunately easy to forget when you don't plan things thoroughly.
Never leave written documentation, like name, address, etc. at a place where it may be found. If you are storing such information on your computer, then make sure to encrypt it first.

These precautions might seem a bit paranoid, but I bet that about 90% of everyone who ever get caught didn't pay enough attention to planning or one of the precautions above. Some of the tactics in this book might break some of the rules above, but then again you are allowed to use your own head to evaluate the risk. After all, you are the one who will pay the penalty for failure.

Long distance revenge
``If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me.''
-- Deuteronomy, Ch.32, V.41
When your mark doesn't live in your vicinity, there are two channels for you to use. The first is the old classical postal system. The other is any electronic wire, like a telephone or a computer network.
Danger of detection
The danger of being detected while using one of these channels increases with how advanced the technology is. This basically means that the old postal system is the safest and easiest to use, and that everything that is being done on a computer network, like the Internet, is being log-filed; and unless you're a wizard, you're most likely to be detected, tracked and caught.
Telephone precautions
Using the telephone might seem like a safe channel, as you could be sitting on the other side of the planet, plotting, preparing and executing your revenge. Do not be fooled by this distance as it takes no more than a caller-id to give away your identity. The first rule of long distance telephone revenge is therefore to use a pay phone which isn't located too close to where you live, work or travel.
You should never call the mark directly, at least if he was a close friend or someone you have seen or talked too often. Changing your voice with a piece of cloth, a voice-scrambler or any machine-manipulation helps little the conversation might be recorded and it is often possible to reverse that manipulation. The only good solution to this is to involve a third party, preferably a secondary mark who you can call, posing as the primary mark. You might also use a trusted friend to make the call to your mark.
The mail system
One of the most classic, non-creative, ways of getting even through the mail system is by using those rip-out order forms found in commercial catalogues and magazines. Pull out the card and ask for information, order a product or subscribe to the magazine.
All you need to know is the mark's name and address and within a few minutes of work you'll be able to help him receive tons of annoying paper. You could also use this method to help him buy ``bill me later'' goods. This isn't considered revenge art but still one scheme that has worked for thousands over the years.
The power of empty messages
A different approach, one which has a psychological touch, is to send your mark empty envelopes. Make them arrive from different locations with different handwriting over a period of, say, 2-35 years.
There are many variations to this tactic. You could, for instance, send the envelope opened, indicating that someone is stealing his mail. You could include a single piece of paper with words like ``DEATH!'', ``LIAR!'', ``THIEF!'' or whatever seems appropriate. The idea here is not to threaten the mark directly, but to remind him of what he is. Just don't write anything that might expose you as the originator of the messages.
Annoying non-smokers. One thing that you can do if you are sending a letter to someone who isn't a smoker, is to include cigarette ashes in the envelope. This fuels the fire caused by any rude or annoying letter.
Unpaid post
Each country and state has different routines when it comes to handling unpaid post. In Norway, for instance, it is quite possible to send unpaid mail, and if that happens, the post office sends the bill to the recipient. This can easily be exploited. Get some pre-printed labels of your mark's name and address, then put them on to a random number of envelopes and post them over a random period of time.
You may want to check this scheme on yourself to see if it works. It is vital that you don't put too many envelopes into the first mailbox, because that will just trigger the post-office's suspicion.
One nice variation, if you have a secondary mark, is to put the primary mark as the sender and then the secondary mark as the recipient on the envelope, or vice versa. If you hate the whole town that you live in, find a telephone dictionary and make every citizen the recipient, i.e. one on each envelope, and then the primary mark the sender of all the envelopes.
Forged letters
Forging letters in other people's name is illegal, but as long as you never get caught, is there really anything to worry about?
Now for some examples using forged marks names.
Send a letter to your nation's custom department, asking for a permit to import narcotics. You ought to write this out with information saying that you have been a drug addict for a long time, and that you can't afford buying it on the street anymore. Write that it is for personal use only. It would even be better if your mark really is a drug abuser.
Send a letter to the local church, where you ask about the Christian view on sex with children. Tell them that you've read the bible, but that you couldn't find anything there stating that it is wrong. Also state that you're trying to quit, but that the temptations are hard to handle.
Send a letter to his landlord, saying that you'll be moving shortly. Give the landlord a specific date, and tell him that he'll be on vacation until the days before the move. If you're lucky, the landlord might start looking for new tenants without even confronting your mark. This is also a great scheme if the landlord is a secondary mark.
Browse the job market, and apply for positions in your mark's name. Give his new employer all sorts of peculiar, suspicious or incredible references, as if he has been working in your country's leading positions and attending at the best Universities. The object here is to have the employer go checking those references, as if these references don't add up, then there most certainly could be legal problems for your mark.
Apply for membership in certain groups, such as KKK, Jehovah's Witnesses, NAMBLA (North American Men and Boy Love Association), or anything controversial. Or subscribe them to annoying book clubs like the Reader's Digest. Find something the mark really hates or fears and sign him up there.
Apply for credit cards, etc. You will probably need your mark's social security number to do this. You will not be able to use them, it's just that it will really make him wonder when he hasn't applied for the credit cards and they start arriving in the mail. It might even make him think that someone is working a scheme to abuse them, but that it is somehow failing.
Get an address change form, found at the post office. Make his new address somewhere isolated, or have it forwarded to any known criminal.
Write a letter to the reader's section of his local newspaper, or the university newspaper. You'll have to customize the letter to fit the crime, but you could do anything from complaining about his boss/company to write something that would be considered inappropriate with his friends.
Sending letters to your mark from a secondary mark might also work nicely. A computer and a scanner are all you need to copy off and make fake letterheads. The original letterhead can often be retrieved by sending the secondary mark a simple inquiry about something trivial, and then scan the letter head from the reply note. Use a work or campus computer to print out the letter.
Write a letter from your mark's bank to your mark, saying that his whole loan is due and that he has to pay it back immediately, or they will go to court. You ought to come up with some clever reason, for instance that another company has bought the bank, and that they're now in the process of closing the business. Date the letter a few weeks back before sending it, and time it to arrive on a Saturday.
Write a letter from the local hospital, asking your mark to come in for a checkup. Explain that a client with AIDS has named him as a past sexual partner. Name a doctor at the hospital, which should be a secondary mark, and tell your main mark that he should just come over as soon as possible.
Send him a letter from magazines like Playboy or Playgirl, thanking him for the photographs he sent them to the reader's Husbands/Wives section. This is a good scheme to play out on an ex, where you also could send the letter from a magazine that's not easy to find in your area.
Send a letter from his teacher to his parents, describing him as a hopeless problem child. This could be implemented nicely if the teacher is a secondary mark, where you would write that you, the teacher, would like their boy to be at school after school-time, because you feel that you are so close to him, and that you feel that you can communicate really well with him. The teacher would be sounding like a really strange one, and the kid would be left with councilors.
Write a letter from the local tax collector, where you question his ability to buy a new cabin cruiser with as little as he earns. Demand that he explain this, and why the same cabin cruiser isn't on his tax report. Write that there most likely will be an investigation, and ask him to come over to the office at a specific date.
Write a letter from the local TV station, telling your mark that he has won a $12,000 car. Tell him to meet at the TV station at a specific time, like a late Saturday evening, for an interview.
Junk mail
Junk mail can be pretty annoying. It's a good thing that there's plenty of stuff to do with the reply-envelope, though. Just remember to remove any references like your name, address and customer identification before you do anything. Abuse of business reply envelopes is a violation of postal service regulations in some countries.
Junk mail and glue. Glue some pieces of paper together. Put them into the reply-envelope and glue the entire envelope together. This sounds pretty harmless, but imagine the poor fellow trying to pull that sucker open without tearing it.
Cross-mail your junk mail. Just take company A's order-form and swap it with company B's junk mail. This makes great fun when you swap the porn catalogue with the local church's request for donations.
Junk mail as bug-transportation. You can send cockroaches and other bugs back to the junk mailer.
Just put sugar in the reply-envelope and glue it real well so the recipient'll lose his patience and rip it open.
Handling junk mail
Personally, when the junk mail has my address on it, I usually just use their postage pre-paid envelopes and write a ``nice'' statement, saying that I don't care much for their business. Norwegian law clearly states that if a customer wishes to be taken off of a mailing list, they can simply by asking to be removed from the database. This is not really revenge, but still a good solution as I get almost no addressed junk mail. I don't get much unaddressed junk mail either, the reason for this is that one can reserve oneself from getting it. All you need to do is to put a sticker on your mailbox.
Mail revenge warning
Before we move on to the telephone section, I must urge you to please keep in mind that most of the mail scenarios are illegal in several countries. In fact, they're a federal offense in some cases, punishable by stiff fines and jail sentences. If you choose to do it anyway, use a mailbox located far away from your house, perhaps in a neighboring city or town that has a different post office and stamp. The larger the city or town, and the further from your own residence, the better. Also keep in mind not to use your own saliva to lick the stamps, and not to get fingerprints on letters or envelopes. Conceal your handwriting as well. Read the precautions section carefully before commencing revenge by mail.

The telephone
There are certainly several critical aspects about using the telephone in revenge schemes. I have already mentioned these in the previous safety section, but since I feel these are important issues, I'll keep nagging about them, like I did in the last paragraph in the previous chapter.
Precautions ad teidium
First issue is to never forget that there are many people who have caller-id on their telephone, that there's always a risk of being recognized by the person on the other side, and that he could be recording your conversation. If you're calling from a pay phone using a slightly different accent than the one you use everyday, talking through a device that changes your voice and use gloves or a cover when touching the pay phone, then you should be fairly safe. That is, unless someone sees you use the pay phone at that specific moment, using all that gear, causing them to wonder what lunatic is on the phone. When the mark knows your voice, it would be safer to have a trusted friend lend you his voice, or involve a secondary mark who doesn't know your voice.
The most basic way of getting even by using the phone system is to call a business and pretend you're the mark, then order something from them. This could be a pizza restaurant, any magazine (subscription), hotel (order rooms), travel agency (order tickets) or someone who could be delivering gravel at your mark's house, preferably when your mark is on a vacation. The downside about these tactics is that you'll be involving a third party, and since your mark could just deny ordering a pizza, the loss would be on the shoulders of that innocent person or company and not your mark. Still, if you have any secondary marks, like if you were wronged by a travel agency, this kind of tactic could be appropriate. There are variations of this tactic that might be more effective.
Stopping supplies
You could call the company that supplies gas or electricity to your mark and tell them to shutdown the gas/electricity supply. The best time to do this is at a Friday morning or noon. When your mark returns from work that evening he'll be greeted with a house without electric power, and the best part is that he won't have any until the electric-workers return to work after the weekend.
To complete this last one, call the phone company and have his phone shutdown, tell them he is moving. Also call his ISP (Internet Service Provider) and tell them that you won't need their services anymore.
Cancel all his magazine/newspaper subscriptions and then call his credit card issuer and tell them that his card was stolen, impersonating him. You may get questions about birth date, address and such, so be prepared before you make the call.
Phone terrorism
The next level of payback by using the phone is much similar to the old telephone harassment. There are still ways to exert this in a creative way without becoming as boring as the call-your-mark-and-hang-up schemes. One way of doing this is to simply call your mark. Let it ring once or twice and then hang up. Do this randomly, day or night for increased effect. When the mark is asleep he'll wake up just long enough to not get a stable good nights sleep. At days he might even get annoyed enough to call the phone company, thinking that something is wrong with his phone.
A different approach is to call your mark in the middle of night, about 5AM and pretend to be a hyperactive telemarketer who is selling encyclopedias. Pretend that you're calling from a different time zone, and if he confronts you with the time in his zone then just carry on with the sale. If he wants the number to your boss, either give him the number to a secondary mark or the number to a police chief in the appropriate time zone. This works great when your mark is a salesman who has somehow wronged you.
Wakeup calls
Wakeup calls are often used by pranksters, but they also make good use in light revenge schemes. The problem is just how to make the order call as some of the services require that you call from the some phone you want a wakeup at. At present, in the US, you can go to a web-page, [url][/url] and order a wakeup call. This web-page may be down when you read this, but there are always other alternatives. The same goes for fax-back services found at [url][/url] and I am sure various other web-pages. Just remember that the services provided may log your IP and track the request back to you, more of this in section 2.4.
Collect calls
Another way of dealing with real long distance revenge is to call your mark collect, pretending to be his father. Give the operator his father's name and when you're connected, cough and grumble or just try to not expose who you are until some time has passed. This one is a bit tricky, but it might have the double effect that it hurts the mark's phone-bill in addition to making him worry about whether his father is alright or not.
Obscure calls
It's also really fun to just call your mark in the middle of the night, pretending that it is he who is calling you. Act confused, act tired, act annoyed and cranky. Threaten to report him to the police and finally slam the phone down. Spontaneity is a key factor here.
Making ``appointments''
In situations where you have a trusted friend at your side, the number of plays increases, especially if your friend is of the opposite sex from your mark, and that friend has a good imagination and great skills in acting.
A date?
One thing a friend could help you do is call your mark, tell him that she had seen him somewhere and that she (or he) would like to date him. Of course your friend would never meet at the date, but if you manage to play the mark, then he will.
Implied adultery
When the mark lives with a spouse or a girlfriend you, or your trusted accomplice, could call her up when you know he won't be there. When the spouse picks up the phone, present yourself. When she has given her name, you proceed by telling her that you're his (the mark's) girlfriend/fiancée and that she must be his sister. Continue without letting her interrupt by saying that the mark is such a good guy who takes care of her. Act surprised when she tells you who she is. Explain that it must be a misunderstanding, that you've dated him for quite some time.
This requires that you have some time and locations where you were supposed to be together with him, and that you'll have to survey him a bit in advance. Also be ready to answer tricky questions, such as personal questions about the mark. Just don't give his new love your real name.
The idea is to make your mark's spouse suspect that something is going on between you and your mark. To increase the paranoia that this scheme could cause, start calling them at random times, and just hang-up the phone if it is answered.
You could also pose as the mark's former gay lover, actually there are a lot of ways to do this since these tactics works in both directions. It all depends a bit on how much you know the person you're supposed to be with, and how well your mark knows you or your friend's voice.
Pagers are also fun to play with. Just page your mark and leave another pager number. Leave his own telephone number or leave the phone number of his boss, a local drug dealer, the local police chief or some 800-number phone sex line. Page secondary marks and have them call your primary mark and vice versa.
Fax machines
There are also things that you can do with a fax machine. Just remember most fax machines print their telephone numbers on the top page of the page they're sending. I advise to you check on this first, unless you're in a situation where you want the mark to know who are sending him the garbage, or you are borrowing the fax at an office where they don't know you.
Infinite faxes
One known way to exploit faxes is to make an eternal loop by gluing the end of the fax paper to the start of it. Call the mark's company and let the fax run for a whole weekend. You can also create a single piece of paper with the text
System Error 1207: Internal controller failure
then make another paper with the text
disconnect the machine and contact qualified repair personnel
Send both pages, or loop them, on a late Friday afternoon and hope that they'll go for it.
Big companies
When your mark works at a big company then it is likely that someone will read or at least have a look at the fax for sorting purposes. Send your mark a page with a big heart from his lover of the opposite of his sexual preference.
Black magic
An old fax trick is to loop completely black pages to your mark's fax. This trick is particularly nasty to play on old thermal-paper faxes, which might even be ruined by the heat caused by only printing black. Other faxes will spit out paper and ink worth dollars.
Handling telemarketing and pranksters
I think that I'll spend the last parts of this telephone revenge chapter by giving you a few ideas about what to do with telemarketers and other phone pranksters. Now, since I don't know which country you will be reading this book in, I would have no clue about what legal aspects of this that you should be careful about. Just remember that the telemarketer will know who you are when they call.
Shocking the telemarketer
One way of behaving is by giving the telemarketer the impression that he has dialed some S&M freak. When you hear that it is a telemarketer on the other side of the line, go ahead by yelling, ``Get back into the cage ya bitch!'' as if you were in the midst of something when he called you. You could also hit the couch a couple of times and have a friend scream in the background. End the conversation with, ``I gotta go, my dog/cat/girlfriend/boyfriend is being disobedient.''
Asking questions
When a telemarketer calls you, and you are bored, try starting all kinds of dumb questions about the product, like as if you're a bit retarded. After a while when they hang up on you, call them back. Either do a *69 (if you live in USA) or use a caller-id, and demand that you talk to their boss. Complain about their rude treatment.
Being rude
When the telemarketer is of the opposite sex, actually same sex also works, start asking about her/his underwear, what type of sexual positions she/he likes and so forth.
Sometimes the telemarketers might ask for a specific person, e.g. the lady of the house. When they do, begin sobbing and explain that she/he was killed in an automobile accident the preceding day, and ask if this is some sort of sick joke.
Calling back
Tell them that you're very interested in their offer, but that you are very busy at the moment. Ask for their home number and tell them you will call them there later. If they say ``No, sorry, etc.,'' then respond sternly, ``Oh, so you don't want anyone bothering you at home, huh?'' then hang up. If they give you the number, then use it as toilet graffiti or something.
Being gross
Tell them something like, ``Hold on. I am going to get the cordless phone, so I can continue this conversation while I use the restroom.'' Pause for a second or two and then continue. If they didn't hang up, make grunting sounds plopping and make sure you flush the toilet a few times. If they don't hang up by now, make comments like ``I don't remember eating corn?'' and ``can someone get me some toilet paper.'' If that doesn't get them, then tell them to call back later because the toilet overflowed and you need to clean it up.
A quickie
A quick way of ending a conversation with a telemarketer is to just say something like, ``I am not allowed to talk to anyone until my assault case has been heard.'' Then just hang up.
Obscure payment
When you're not in a real hurry and there's a telemarketer calling, pretend to be really fired up about their product. When the time comes to close the purchase, try to use your Sears card or Zellers card something that is not viable currency, then insist that the company is at fault for not taking that card.
Handling pranksters
People always seem helpless when they're facing telephone-pranksters. I guess one method of finding them is either using a callback (known as *69 in the US) or you can have an operational caller-id. Still neither will do you any good if the pranksters are calling from a pay phone.
One way is to do the good old whisper silently in the beginning then suddenly make a horrible scream or you could blow in a whistle. You can also bluff them by saying that you have a caller-id, and that you now know who they are, and that you will visit them tonight. Also advise them to stay away from the windows because you'll have a shotgun with you, or your killer dog, Jaws.
Boring music
One way of dealing with both telemarketers and prank callers is to have some utterly boring music taped on either your answering machine or your tape recorder. Just tell them to wait a second then play the music for about 10 minutes, they'll surely hang up.
Equal treatment
Telephone harassment can also be met with the same attitude back. If a sick man calls you in the middle of the night, talking about your underwear, then steer the conversation over to his little penis. Say that you can't possibly fall for someone who ain't taller than 6'5", and that someone with such a tiny little penis could probably never satisfy you. This might be a bit dangerous as you might manage to get the person coming over to your house to show you his real penis, but usually this should stop them, as they're probably not used to being talked to that way.
Another way of reacting is by acting calm, talking in a firm, unaffected voice saying, ``Oh, no. I am sooo afraid. I think I am going to call the police and tell them that the bad man at XXX-XXXX on my caller-id is harassing me.'' Then hang up.

The Internet
``newbie n.: (Originally from British public-school and military slang variant of 'new-boy') A USENET neophyte. Criteria for being considered a newbie vary wildly; a person can be called a newbie in one newsgroup while remaining a respected regular in another.''
-- The Hacker's Dictionary
The Internet is one of the most difficult arenas to carry out safe long distance revenge. The reason for this is that everything that is being done is being log-filed.
Regarding logging
If you log in on your net account, then there's a program that writes information about who you are and when you login, into a file. When you access a web-page, then the web-server logs the time and your computer's address. The same goes for every kind of Internet service, they all keep a log. This is done so that they can trace any connection back to the originator.
One secure way of getting even through the net, is by using a computer where you don't have to give away your login name and password, and where nobody can confirm that you were at the terminal, behind that keyboard at that specific time. This situation becomes real when you're at a public terminal at a library, or in an Internet café where nobody knows you or can prove that you're at the terminal at the specific time.
There are also some limitations on carrying out your revenge from a library computer. One is that you can't access programs that you normally would have on your system, unless the library gives access to disks, which they rarely do for security reasons. If you try to grab something out of your own account or web-page, then it will be logged and things could be traced back to you. The tools that you most often are limited to are therefore a WWW-client, Telnet and FTP. Knowledge in using and understanding how these tools work is essential.
Another problem with the net is that things change at an incredible pace. Things that seem obvious and easy today will most likely change even before this book is released. This is really why I would not recommend newbies to try to get even through the net. Now for a few ideas.
Internet revenge ideas
The first thing you need to do, as said, is getting access to a publicly available computer without giving away your identity. When this is done, you may enter the web-browser configuration, changing the name and email to the one of your mark. This will lead newbies to believe that it is your mark who is at the console, the more advanced Internet users will recognize the difference.
The next thing to do might be to put out a few contact ads with your mark's name, address and phone numbers on. Use every source available like and alt.personals on the Usenet. On the web there are many contact ad sites. You should save time by finding these sites and others in advance, and writing them onto a piece of paper. When forging contact ads in his name becomes boring, try selling stuff in the market groups or through appropriate web-walls.
There are many places on the net where you can leave his name and E-mail address for subscriptions on things like magazines and web-page updates. Search the net for a little while and you will easily find such services. The nice thing about mailing lists is that the mark would have to go searching through a lot of text to find out how to unsubscribe from them.
One way to give your mark a lot of negative attention is to just be obnoxious on the net. You can start spamming (posting commercial ads or make money fast schemes) to various newsgroups or you can behave like a real obnoxious asshole (flaming). There is still a chance that this might not have any effect, as there are many idiots out there already. A different approach might be needed.
Send an email to his system-administrator where you write that he will not be needing his Internet account anymore. Don't forget to mention the bad service you've been getting and that a slow feed is mainly the reason for changing ISP. E-mail requests to various other ISP's requesting prices, ask for a subscription.
Dealing with Internet harassment
There are many people who have experienced being harassed on the Internet. This often becomes very frustrating, especially if you're a newbie and don't know how things work. Oldtimers don't want to teach you anything; they just want you to go away, so that you can't bother them with your simple questions. This is, of course, dependent on what environment you operate in, but in general, you'll experience it as something really tough to fight, because you'll never see or hear the offender. All that you will see is a cryptic message header, which doesn't really say much to someone who hasn't got a clue. So, what do you do? When you receive an abusive message, being through electronic mail or in any Usenet group, the first thing you should do is to try to figure out as much as you can about the sender. Save the message, with the complete header, or print it out if necessary. If you think that the origin of the message is clear, then you could forward the whole message (with all headers intact) to the offender's system administrator. The system administrator has email addresses like [email protected](domain), [email protected](domain) and [email protected](domain).
Reporting the abuse
You should also report the abuse to the police if you find it serious enough, and if it is a student you should report him to the Dean of Student Affairs. If it makes references to your race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation, you may also want to contact The American Civil Liberties Union or one of various group-oriented civil-right groups like the NAACP, JDL, ADL, Americans with Disabilities or ACTU-UP, or similar groups in your country.
There is one, rather annoying presence on the net. The name of the menace is spammers. Spammers are the Internet's version of junk mailers, posting both to Usenet groups and your personal mailbox. They are either trying to sell you something, or make you interested in some pyramid scheme. You might avoid them by posting anonymously, i.e. posting on the Usenet without using your real email address, but in some way or another they always seem to find your mailbox.
It doesn't help much to send out mail-bombs (logical mail bombs, which is either to send in hundreds of duplicates or a few huge messages), threats don't work either, simply because these individuals are experts in hiding their identity and most often their reply address is bogus. However, to be able to sell you a product, they need a way for customers to reach them. This could either be a web-page or a telephone number.
If an 800-number is mentioned in the message, then don't hesitate to call them up and complain about the spam. One guy who wanted to get even with a spammer who left his 800-number in the spam, wrote his own sex-spam and posted it to the* groups. It sounded somewhat like, ``Hot sex talk, absolutely free, no hidden charges, no 900-number call-back, no credit cards required -- call (spammer's telephone number) and talk to a wet babe!'' -- one might want to add, ``for a limited testing time only.'' This is just an example on how one can handle spam. Another way is to write a complaint to the producer of a product, from whom the originator of the spam is the dealer.
Reporting to the authorities
You should also know that there are agencies that you can report pyramid schemes to, like in the US you have the fraud department of IRS, National Fraud Information Center and Bureau of Consumer Protection. You also have [url][/url] which is the Internet Fraud watch.
How do they do it?
Spammers are picking up your email address at both the Usenet (news) and web-pages. If you don't want to be bothered by these junk mailers, I suggest you don't leave your email address around on the net. If you have a good news reader, you can alter your email address slightly, to [email][email protected][/email]ve, or you can set up an auto-responder with your real email address, try sending a mail to [email][email protected][/email], and you'll see what I am talking about. There are many decent news clients that have a killfile system. I recommend that you do not use Microsoft Internet Explorer or Netscape Communicator, but that you find programs like knews, tin or slrn for Unix or Forte Free Agent for Windows.

Destructive payback
``A man's greatest work is to break his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them all the things that have been theirs, to hear the weeping of those that cherished them, to take their horses between his knees and press in his arms the most desirable of their women.''
-- Genghis Kahn
Some cautionary notes
Destructive payback has both its advantages and disadvantages. One thing in particular that you should consider is the fact that many people have their property insured, and although you may momentarily put the mark into agony, the real cost are often carried by the innocent insurance companies. There might be a fixed price that the owner must cover before the insurance company starts paying any damage. You better check this out in any case.
Another problem with destructive payback is that you will be moving a lot more closer to the mark and/or his property. This automatically put you in jeopardy of being exposed, and this is paticulary bad as you as well could in conflict with the law. This is why these schemes are the ones that should be most carefully planned before being carried out. It is important that these plans include the daily routine of your mark, even though he might break this routine at any time.
When you have his routine you also have a better knowledge on how and when to hit him. A backup plan is certainly not the last thing you should think of here, as you should know what to do upon being detected.
The car
If it weren't for car alarms and locked garages, cars would be the easiest of all targets. It still might be that your mark has his car in his driveway, just locked, but still pretty much accessible. Your research should already have given you ideas on how accessible your mark's car is. Even though his car has a car alarm, there are still a few schemes available for you to implement.
There's plenty of ways to ruin a car without using the old non-creative ``slice-a-car-tire'' scheme.
Paint jobs
Get some spray paint and spray-paint some text onto the side of his car. Apparently some feminist group used this trick in Oslo/Norway, during the mid-70'ties when they went along and sprayed ``whore customer!'' on the side of whore-customer's cars. Other things that could be written includes, ``DRUG DEALER!'', ``I cheated on my wife'', ``Registered sex offender'', ``Paroled rapist'', ``Child molester'' or simply ``I love to kill cats!''
Customized paint jobs. A white car easily turns into a Dalmatian dog look-a-like by spraying black dots onto it. Cut a circle in a piece of cardboard if you want to do a neat job. Other symbols might also be appropriate, depending on who your mark is, like Nazi-symbols, inverted crosses, Satanic symbols, or just anything that would really scare your mark.
Paint stripper. At a supply store you can get a can of paint stripper. indexcar!paint stripper Gloves are recommended as this stripper is strongly acidic. It only takes a couple of seconds to walk by a car with this. Silicone sprayed onto cars also does wonders with the paint. You might even check something called liquid scratch. These schemes work great if the car is parked outside your mark's apartment, and you only need the guts to do a little walk-by.
Bologna. Bologna is said to have the most astonishing effect on car paint. Just place some slices on the hood of the car when it is a bit dewy outside and let it dry in with the morning sun the next day. The result is Polka-dot paint!
Attachments. Small plastic lizard or other cute little kid toys make nice hood ornaments. Apply superglue of any sort and place them at the front of the hood where some cars have their company shield. You can also buy a corrosive or an oxidizing agent from your local hardware store, pour it on your mark's exhaust or anywhere else where it would have an effect.
At the windshield
Next is the windshield, which you can totally ruin by getting one of those glue sticks that is used in hot glue guns. Warm the stick in your hand a little and smear it out onto your mark's windshield. You can also use concrete sealant which is a nasty, sticky liquid used to waterseal concrete after it is poured. When you've spread it on the windshield it will appear like a lovely cloudy, yellow coating.
Wipers. A different way to ruin a windshield is to first put some glue onto the whindshield wipers, and then add some sand onto the glue. Just make sure the wipers don't get close to the windshield before the glue has dried. Next time your mark is using the wipers, he'll scratch up his own windshield. Other substances that do nicely on your mark's windshield include corn oil, vaseline, tar or paint. If you want to be subtle about it, you can pour it into an open plastic bag and just throw it onto the windshield.
The heater intake vent. When you're done playing with the windshield, pour a couple of eggs down the heater intake vent on the car. Wipe off anything that doesn't go in the vent so the mark doesn't know it's in there. They may notice a strange smell at first, but nothing compared to how it will smell in a few days. If you are out of eggs, try fox urine lure from your local hunting supply store. You can use a syringe to retrieve and deploy the fox urine from the original bottle. This way you can save yourself from the foul stench and at the same time it will make it easier to spray the urine onto the rubber gaskets or the coating that seals the windows and doors.
Other substances that fit nicely into the vent are milk, urine, strong acids or liquid rust. You can also make your own cocktail by putting some shrimp-shells into a bottle of water, then let it rest in the sun for a week or two, or you could take a potato, slice a deep cut in it and scrub it with dirt. Put it into an airtight container filled with water and close it. Bacteria from the mud will consume the potato, creating a foul stench, granted there's no access to air.
Tire havoc
An easy way to fix the tires is to remove or add the balancing weights from the wheels. The tires will be out of balance and driving will not be good for either the tires or the suspension. The mark will have to spend some time and money on having a garage rebalance the tires.
This next one requires some work, but if you get some trusted friends with you, then you can put your mark's car on blocks and take off all the nuts on the wheels. Put super-glue on the threads of the bolts and screw on the nuts as tightly as possible. File the edges of the nuts so a wrench cannot easily grip them. Puncture all four tires. His mechanic will need literally weeks to get it back on the road. Red loc-tite is better when used on fasteners. Heat up the lug-nuts until they're red hot. This will surely play havoc on aluminum rims and possibly warp brake rotors.
Under the hood
The engine is usually the least accessible part of your mark's car. Still there are lots of things you can do if you're lucky enough to get into it, or under it. For instance, get two or three cans of shaving foam. Open the hood of your mark's car and set them on the exhaust manifold (that place will be hot). You may need some duct tape to keep them in place. When the engine warms up, the cans explode, covering the engine with shaving foam. If you use WD40 (oil) or deodorant, then the can will explode and the car might catch fire. This is not recommended as it might injure your mark or even innocent bystanders.
Under the hood there is tons of stuff to do. If you come prepared (as you should), you can drop a bolt (about 3/4 inch) into the sparkplug holes, and the cylinders will fracture and total the engine.
At a hardware store you can buy a small can of butane, the kind you use to refill a lighter. Drill a small hole in your mark's distributor cap. Squirt a small amount of butane in and quickly cover the hole with duct tape. When the car starts up, the sparking in the distributor will set off the butane, blowing the distributor cap right off the engine. Stealing the distributor will prevent your mark from starting the car. Take the distributor cap out and run a graphite pencil over the rotor blades/brushes, this will make the engine sputter and misfire.
There's a solution available from Force Ten that can turn oil into Jello. You can also introduce Styrofoam, naphtha or tide into the engine oil. The easiest way is to get under the car, with a container and a wrench, then open the oil-screw beneath the car and let the oil run into the container. Tighten the screw and get yourself out of the area. Often the oil-warning lamp will malfunction and the engine will be totally inoperable. Anti-freeze added to the oil turns it into a brown, milky foam. Even if no direct damage is done, the mark and/or mechanic will think there is a blown head gasket or a cracked head or block, leading to very expensive repairs.
Move on into the battery compartment and put three or four Alka-Seltzers into it, or some other substance like oil or soap. Next, slide in under the front of the car, and poke a hole in the lower radiator hose by using a sharp ice pick. The puncture would close itself and everything would be just fine until the engine gets up to a critical temperature and then the coolant will blow out the hole.
The gas tank
The gas tank is also a popular place to stuff things into. The most common being sugar, but ping-pong balls slit halfway through, filled with crystal Drano also does the job. Use a balloon with a tiny hole or something similar, when you live in the states where the hole ain't big enough for ping pong balls. Crystal Drano is a chemical used to unclog pipes. Tape the ping-pong ball together again after applying the Drano. The ping-pong ball will dissolve in the gasoline, and when the Drano gets in touch with the fuel a violent chemical reaction will occur. Rumor has it that it'll even stand a van on it's nose. My suggestion is that you leave this at the thought.
Other things to put into the fuel tank could be crushed cork, silicone carbide or icing sugar. Dissolve some mothballs in gas and add it to your mark's tank. This will make the engine run hot. The engine oil breaks down, and then the engine seizes. It is hard to trace and damage is already done when person realizes the engine is hot. Sabotaging the fuel line could be done by making a hole in the fuel tank. Afterwards you may call the fire department and they'll come tow the car away and give the owner a stiff fine.
Other car action
One way of getting back at your mark is to tie his car to something on his house. A front balcony might be just fine, or attach it to the doorknob on a gardening house door. Use a solid rope or a chain, about 20-30 yards is more than enough. Cover it with sand or something. The longer the rope is, the more speed he will have gained before anything happens.
You can have a lot of fun with bumper stickers. Get some sort of racially offensive bumper sticker and put them onto his car. Survey the local area and find out what ethnic group is the most militant, and use something that goes against that group in your scheme. Otherwise, use generic ``White/Black Power'', or whatever. If the car is parked next to a handicapped space, some pushing might be all that is needed to move it into the handicapped space. Put an anti-police bumper sticker on its bumper and call the police. You could enhance this by putting a little bag of pot past the doorframe where it can be seen.
At times your mark might be a neighbor who has a cheap car alarm that constantly goes off. This is a problem that might be solved easily. I recommend you write a nice message on a piece of paper, wrap it around a brick and place the brick on top of the hood of the offending car whose alarm constantly goes off. The message should say something like, ``Next time your alarm goes off, this brick will go through your window - prick.'' This is more a solution than a severe revenge scheme.
Other schemes might include totally saran wrapping the mark's car (coat it with blank plastic used to pack food), tucking it into band-aids, or do like some students in Ohio who got their hands on a large amount of plaster bandages, the kind wrapped around splints which harden and form a cast. It took four of them ten minutes to completely mummify the car, then they ran a hose over it and hardened it solid.
On cold nights you may put a lawn sprinkler on the top of your mark's car. Let the sprinkler run with just a little bit of water through all the night. By morning there should be a thick layer of ice coating the whole car.

The garden
Under the cover of a dark night, you could easily get an opportunity to sneak into your mark's garden, do some damage and then get out without getting caught. During the day you would do better by not sneaking in, as it would look strange. Instead you should pretend to be a gardener, a pool caretaker, a cable guy or even someone from the electric company. Dressing up in stealthy clothing usually brings more attention than wanted. Dress casual, avoid sharp colours and you should be fine.
The lawn
Salt works great for killing lawns permanently. Use a relatively large quantity of sea-salt and spread it around the whole lawn. Similar effects can be achieved by using lime, weed seeds or even diesel fuel. For the artistic avenger I recommend writing anything from ``bitch!'' to ``asshole!'' Any simple word would do as long sentences and words are harder to read. Also, unless you're doing this at night, you should not set the fuel on fire as it will make the grass die, where applied, and have the wanted effect in less time. The opposite effect is achieved by spreading fertilizer onto the lawn. It will cause the grass to grow twice as fast on the places where you've spread it. If you use too much fertilizer, then the grass will change colour.
Frosted flakes also look nice on a lawn. Go to the mark's house late at night and spread the flakes out all over their lawn. The morning dew will moisten the flakes slightly, then the sun comes out and bakes them into one huge frosted flake. Later, when the ants come, it could get really entertaining.
Seagulls love bread, and one awesome way to feed them is to throw bits of old bread into your mark's garden at night. At dawn the birds will discover the food and they will have a little party on the mark's lawn. The great thing about birds is that they just can't shut up while partying, so they will most likely wake your mark up in the midst of their feast, and they'll not leave easily either.
It is not a nice thing to do, but there have been some cases where people have extended the previous scheme by adding alcohol to the bread. You can probably imagine for yourself what effect that might have on the poor birds, especially if someone should call the police from a phone booth, claiming that they saw the mark feed the seagulls with alcoholic bread.
Plastic forks are great. You can get huge quantities of them for a low price, and with fellow avengers you can plant them into your mark's garden at night, preferably when he's on a vacation. This scheme might be mild, but fun to implement and gives quite an annoyance for the mark.
Destroying a tree is easy. Make a salt solution by adding water to salt, stir and then pour it at the base of the tree. Another way, one more obvious, is to strip about six inches of bark round the tree. This will prevent the nutrients produced by the leaves to get to the roots for storage and vice versa. You can also ruin your mark's tree by applying copper tacks or nails. Put them into the roots and clip off their heads, and they'll be as good as invisible. One method that I learned as an environmentalist (it was also featured in an X-files episode) was to put huge steel nails into the tree. When the mark, in this case a timbering company, came to cut it down, they got their equipment ruined by the heavy-duty nail. You should think carefully before implementing this scheme as the chainsaw chain could snap and seriously injure the logger, and you don't want to hurt an innocent person.
The garage
Your mark might not have such a big garden, but it could be that he owns a garage. There are limits to what you can do with locked garage, but painting stuff, like large dots, on the side of the garage is really something to consider. Your mark will have to spend both time and money removing it.
Inside his garage there are certainly several things that could be done, but this depends a bit on who your mark is and what he has inside his garage. Putting nails, the sharp ones with big flat backs which are often used to hang up posters, onto the garage floor is usually a good start.
The mailbox
Another annoying scheme can be as simple as putting rocks into your mark's mailbox each morning. This could be done before your mark goes off to work, or when he has left. Just remember what was said earlier about tampering with mail and mailboxes, which in most cases are considered federal offences. For the more advanced avenger I suggest building a pyramid of rocks on your mark's lawn. Most things can be thrown into your mark's lawn, things like garbage, cod, pasta, paint, paper, eggs, defecation, images of Mao, rocks, porn magazines, tomb stones and your mark's neighbor's things are all popular.
One easy way to get back at your mark is to go to a hardware store and buy a good lock. You might have an old lock yourself, one that needs to be changed due to rust or general wear and tear. In these situations you could just use the new one yourself and then put the old lock onto your mark's mailbox. He might eventually manage to cut it off, but it'll cause quite an annoyance.
Ants and other insects love honey. Pour some honey into his mailbox, or fill the whole mailbox with cement. Also if the mailbox has a flag, you can glue it upwards using superglue.
Walls, fountains and bugs
Concrete walls make good arenas for walls. Don't just tag the wall with random profanities, be artistic about it as that will give it more attention. There is a special kind of graffiti that really sticks around. Get a big sheet of paper and write your message on it with liquid Ajax or Comet
(Depending on whether you live in Europe on in the USA). Take the paper where the wall is, douse it in lighter fluid, stick it to the wall, make a lighter fluid trail away from the wall and light it. The whole thing burns in about one second, so there is no fire danger (unless you applied it to a material that easily burn), but your message gets stuck to the wall by a chemical process, and it is almost impossible to get it off without painting over it.
Crickets could become nice pets for your mark. They are cheap, noisy and usually available at your local pet-shop. Release them in the evening, or at night through your mark's window or into the mail slot. This is something you should time to be done the night before his exam, or some other big event. Do not do this if your mark lives in your neighborhood, as these critters move around.
For the mark with a fountain I recommend getting some colouring dye, or if you wish to be more advanced; Kodak and other chemical companies sell certain classes of chemicals called surfactants. These essentially make water more slippery. In a fountain with low tolerance, water hits 1 inch from the edge. A good surfactant can send the water splashing 3 inches beyond the fountain pool. This drains the fountain in short order, and burns out the pump. There are certainly many other things that which you can apply to the pool like oil, bubble bath, soap, cement, coloured dye, dead animals, defecation, moth balls, dead or live fish, stuff bought at Taco Bell, etc.
Protecting your garden
Sometimes people have problems with assholes driving by their mailbox, beating it down with a bat, or plowing it down with a snowplow. A working solution is to get two mailboxes, one large, one a bit smaller. Put the smaller mailbox into the larger and pour cement in between. Now, just let the mailbox bashers come and break their arms. This doesn't help much against snowplows though. If you are up against something heavier, drive a heavy pipe into the ground next to your mailbox. Just make sure it reaches the top of your mailbox. Paint the pipe black as a dark night. In extreme situations, go to a scrap yard and get a 5-6 feet long I-Beam. Dig a hole, pour concrete into it and then plant the I-Beam. This should work well against snowplower who can't see the difference between the road and your mailbox. It also works nicely as protection against the occasional youngsters who wish to drive down your mailbox.
There are some assholes who just can't leave your leaf-pile alone. It could be that they're either driving through it, or kicking it all out. In any case, your hard work collecting the pile would be for nothing when this happens, unless you put the leaf-pile over a cinder-block or something else that is hard and heavy. The prick-head might run over it again, but will probably not repeat it after doing it once with an iron block stuffed inside it.

The residence
The mark's home is his personal ground. It is close to him, the place where he usually should feel safe and private. Violating this ground is often difficult, yet rewarding at the same time.
Security and surveillance should be paid much attention in these cases. You don't have to be technical about it, actually it might be as easy as sneaking into a party which your mark is having. You could also get yourself some lock-picking equipment (and experience) but then we would be talking about breaking in, and last time I checked it was a still illegal to do so. Dorm rooms are more easily accessible, but you would still be breaking in. There are pages on the Internet talking about lock picking, one well known originating from MIT is easily obtainable on the Internet.
Dorms and similar places
College dorms have all one thing in common, shoddy workmanship. Due to the design of the doors, it is possible to wedge a number of pennies between the doorframe and the door when the door is locked. Push the door as far in as you can while it is locked, then wedge pennies between the frame and the catch. This is known as pennying a door. It might be that a someone has already played this on you, and if you want to escape through such a trap, simply pull the door towards you as hard as you can, kick the door in the corner below the catch. This should dislodge the pennies.
Dorm doors are also easy targets for signs saying, ``Do not disturb! Masturbating intensely!'' They should be as easy to make as tearing them down. The more you go hanging them up after your mark has torn them down, the more annoying they get. You could also apply the old, glass'n'glue trick to this one. Take a bucket of wallpaper glue and thoroughly crush some glass into it. Put some glue onto the door, hang up the poster, and then put glue onto the poster. This trick was widely used by political left-wingers in the 70-ties when their posters often were torn down by their opponents. If you want to make certain that nobody gets permanent injuries, I suggest you leave the glass out.
One prankish way of getting back at your mark in a dorm, is to get a few hundred plastic cups. When the mark is away for the weekend, or the whole day, pick his door lock and get into his room. Fill the cups with water and place them one-by-one to cover the entire floor in his room. I suggest you find some friends to help you with this one.
One different prank that has been played at several dorms in the US, where co-students had covered the dorm door with a brick wall (makeing the room disappear) while the mark was on a weekend holiday. You can probably find references and pictures of this on the net.
Doors in general
Doors are nice targets for substances that have a foul stench. Scramble some eggs. Add some green food dye and a little bit of garlic salt. Pour it all over your mark's door or doormat. Let it soak in for a good while, while your mark is away for the weekend. Other things that you can smear onto doors are animal defecation, tar, chlorine or something foul smelling mentioned earlier in the car section of this book.
Any garden hose carrying water is a nice tool for the ones seeking to get even. Hook up the hose, push it through the mail-slot on the front door and then simply turn it on. A funny variation here is to use your mark's neighbor's garden hose. You should also spray some kind of sealer at the bottom of the door to make the house hold more water. If you use a good window insulator, you might even be able to seal the whole door shut. Check around your local hardware store to find the best suitable insulator.
Telly terrorism
Let's say that your mark is living in an area where they have cable TV. On the outside you will find one of the boxes they use to connect the main wire to the different houses. Open the box, unhook wires, flip switches and do whatever seems good. Close the box and get to a pay phone, call and tell the cable company that you saw your mark messing around with the box. This works great if your mark doesn't have cable. You could also drag a wire from the box to his house.
Another thing you can do is to find where the cable is buried. Dig it up, cut it and use some black tape to cover the cutting. The cable company will most likely need a few days to find the error. Use this tactic during the Olympics or any other big event. If your mark is the cable company then do this at several places. You can also short circuit the cable by putting a metal piece into in, e.g. use a needle or anything similar to connect the ground to the main signal.
Loud music
Quite a few of our previous readers have experienced situations where their next door apartment neighbor is playing loud music at night, and where reasoning with him doesn't help. It might be frustrating, but there are ways to fight this kind of neighbor. Get a cheap plug-in radio and a large cardboard box. Open one end of the box, put the radio in and tape the open end firmly against the wall next to their bedroom. Keep the box off the floor, no reason to disturb the ones downstairs. Tune the radio to a station with any music that your mark doesn't like. The radio doesn't have to be very loud, the box acts as an acoustic coupler to the wall. The bigger the box the better. Turn the radio on when you get up. Off when you go to sleep. Do this every day. If anybody asks why just say you're afraid of burglars. When the asshole next door stops by to complain, use the same arguments that he used when you complained to him about loud music.
A different approach to the same problem could be to just get yourself a large bowling ball. Hold it up in the air and drop down on the floor. Do this at random intervals throughout the day. This naturally only works if it is the neighbor's downstairs who causes you trouble. A variation of this is to get a big weightlifting plate. Put the plate on the floor and spin it around like you would with a quarter on a tabletop. Jump on the weight when it's just about to settle.
The bathroom
Now let's move into the bathroom. These schemes would be executed at a party or at a public toilet. Saran wrap is fun. You can also wrap it over the top of the toilet bowl on your mark's toilet and then put the seat down. This works especially well if your mark is a woman. Pour syrup on the toilet seat. You can't readily see it, but your mark will stick to the seat. Some toilets have black toilet seats. Tar works nicely on these. At night, or at least at a time when you suspect nobody would use the toilet for a few hours, pour a large amount of jello powder into the bowl or the tank. Cement mix also works nicely. Also, the ketchup packets you get at junk food restaurants can be placed between the lid and the bowl. Make sure to make a tiny hole in the packet first. Now when your mark sits down, he will get a red surprise all over the backs of his knees.
While you are in the bathroom, and in the close reach of your mark's shower: Take a pill capsule, preferably one made of gelatin. Open it and fill with methylene blue, which comes in powder-form used mainly for dye, and can be bought in drug stores or aquarium-related stores (as it is used as a remedy for some fish diseases.) It is non toxic but still very good at making stains. Fill the capsule with the powder. Smear the capsule in with some Vaseline. Insert it into showerhead. When the mark uses the shower, the blue dye will leak out and stain him.
You can also put a bouillon cube or two into the showerhead. With the hot water, the bouillon cube will melt and the mark will probably not notice until it is too late. If you are out of bouillon, use Kool-Aid, preferably the violet grape one, as it makes really good stains.
Nair or any other hair removal is a nasty replacement for shampoo. Applying Nair to a shampoo bottle might appear a bit complex. The problem is that Nair has a distinct smell and if you use too much of it, the mark will notice. One way of fighting this is to pour some of the shampoo into a cup. Add a little Nair at a time until you can smell it in the shampoo bottle, then add a little bit of shampoo. The result may vary from your mark losing all his hair to him losing just big chunks of his hair. If you suspect that the mark will have the shampoo in the hair for just too short of a time, then put Nair into the conditioner instead.
The bedroom
After the bathroom, get into the kitchen and pick up some sugar. Use this sugar afterwards in your mark's bedroom. Just spread it out on his bed, under his bed sheets. A thin layer of plastic between the bed sheets and the bed would cause the body to heat up the sugar which you would put on the plastic. When your mark wakes up he'll look and feel like a glazed donut. Replace the sugar with milk powder to get unbelievable results. When the milk powder gets into the pores, it stays there and turns sour. Your mark will smell of sour milk for almost a week. Chocolate bars in the bed sheets can also be a pain, even though it is more obvious and easier to detect before any damage is done.
One scheme that works well in military quarters is to wait until your mark is on leave. Then sneak into his room and sew alfalfa into his bed. Add a little bit of water and in a week or so it will grow up and make a nice bed when your mark returns.
The kitchen
The kitchen is the last place on this tour. This is a place where you could really go berserk, because there are so many small items around in this room. Mix the different spices or just swap salt and sugar. Do the same with corn, wheat, oatmeal, or whatever he's got. Pour the milk out and replace it with water. Move round the different kitchen appliances. Put a Snickers bar into his microwave oven and let in run for a while. This will generate a foul stench, and it looks nasty too.
Put grease on the top of the stove, if it is electric. There are things you can do to a gas-stove that I should probably not mention here. Let's just leave this to the movies and our fantasy, exploding gas is no fun.
Grease and soya oil is a pain to wash away. Exploit this by pouring it around randomly. Top it by spreading whatever combinations of wheat, flour, oatmeal, corn, baking soda and spice you can find, onto the floor.

The work place
``It is not justice we seek, its revenge!''
-- Dilbert, in Bring me the head of Willie the mail boy!
From working at quite a few places I have found that one can always divide the workforce into three groups. The friendly, the hostile and the hostile who have some kind of leader position. The first group would be your random work buddy which in most cases would be almost all of the work force. You don't want to mess with your buddies too much or they'll perceive you as being one of the idiots in the hostile group. Still a few shenanigans among friends are common and in most cases bonding. Just make sure you don't pick on the same friendly target each time. I will only cover this briefly here as this book is not about pranks.
Friends and foes
The strange thing about the two other groups are that they often seem to collaborate. The hostile in a leader position would actually find it very handy to have some kind of informant in the group of ``common'' workers. Slander and mischief expressed in this group would then get back to him and he would know exactly who to fire or watch out for. The traitor would benefit from this by being the first in line when the word promotion is mentioned.
One thing you should be aware of is that there are always a leader who is above your leader, either a major CEO, a minister in parliament or even the customers of the business.
The friendly
An old trick that has provided pranksters hours of entertainment is to wait for your mark to take a little coffee break. When your mark is away, grab his telephone and tape down (using clear scotch tape) the little button where the receiver sits. When your mark returns, give him a little call and watch the confusion. A variation of this one is to place small pieces of tape over the holes to the speaker.
Create a stupid rule or regulation. If possible, make it seem like a rule that would be under your mark's area of responsibility. Print it on the company printer, and hang it up on a display board. Write your mark's name at the bottom of the note and start complaining (to everyone but him). One similar idea involves putting up a police wanted poster with your mark's name and picture on it.
Sending messages from one employer to another is another wonderful prank. This could also be considered severe, but if you hide your tracks you need not worry.
The hostile
You might want be careful with the hostile co-worker. This is typically the mark who goes behind your back, making quite an effort to bring you trouble. Whatever you do, go undetected and untraceable, because if these individuals find out that you're somehow on to them they'll increase their effort and make your working day even more like a living hell.
At the office
Copy-machines can be useful tools for your revenge purpose, the same goes for FAX machines. Invent something that looks conspicuous, put the paper into the photocopier and leave it there. Others will find it, wonder what is and have a look at it. Finally they find your marks name on it and maybe confront him with it. Naturally he'll deny it and make everything look even more conspicuous. Themes that could be applied here are industrial espionage, or even a scheme for a new system to monitor the work-force, supposed to be hidden or at least not something that would be detected by your co-workers.
Another popular scheme involves having a florist deliver flowers to your mark. Take a look in the yellow pages and find a florist who delivers singing telegrams or a theatrical delivery. The kicker here is to have the flowers sent from someone of the opposite gender of your mark's attraction. You can also play two marks up against each other on this.
This scheme could be brought a bit further. Search your yellow pages or ads in newspapers for adult or escort services. Call them up and leave the phone number and mark's name in the voice-mail or on their beepers. This works best if someone else is likely to answer your mark's phone.
Grocery stores
Grocery stores open up a whole new arena when it comes to revenge tactics. Take something as innocent as a bottle of bleach. Unscrew the cap and make small puncture in the bottom of the bottle, leave it sitting in the top of a cart or something. Wait until the manager or the co-worker mark comes wandering by looking at the bleach dripping at his floor, grabs the bottle and turns it around, only to get the rest of it over himself.
Go to the deli and order about 3 pounds of fish. Just say it's for a customer. Now when nobody's looking stick it way up under a cash register or far behind an aisle. In about 2 days the place will smell like somebody died. If your store has radiators or heat sources, take a carton of cream and open it up and put in the radiator. It will smell like somebody shit and it will blow it all over the store.
Get some maggots and drop them into their meat case just before closing. Try to hide a rubber snake in the shrimp. When the clerk grabs a handful of shrimp and pulls out the snake, it should generate some sort of reaction. Find the control panels for the freezers and coolers, randomly turn them up and down.
These grocery stores schemes are best implemented if you are working at the place and know how the surveillance system works. Remember most stores have a thorough working surveillance system, so I don't recommend doing anything if you are just a customer and don't know the system.
The computer
Any computers that aren't behind locked doors or secured with a password are easy targets for the computer literate avenger. The great thing about computers is that you can do anything from prankish stuff like changing the colour configuration of your mark's PC to really ruining months or even years of work by killing the hard-disk.
Messing with software
At the work place, one nice scheme involves installing graphic images in the background on your mark's workstation. This is as easy as changing the colours. Either have the image ready in BMP format on a diskette or download it anonymously from a location on the Internet. One variation of this one involves manipulating images of a second mark employee (by scanning the picture and merging it with another picture from the said location on the Internet.) This could lead to an interesting discussions between the two marks.
Altering the desktop configuration is also easy. I have already mentioned changing colours, but you should not stop there. For instance, remove all the icons from the desktop (and the menus) and change the screen format to the lowest possible resolution with a minimum of colours. This is truly annoying and at worst it will take your mark an hour to fix everything.
Getting serious
As the crime gets more severe, so should the punishment. Consider any asshole who has been working on a project for months and has all his work on his PC. Your mark could be anything from a corporate office worker to a student. As long as he doesn't have a backup of his work, he is going to get screwed.
There are certainly different ways to kill data, one being just to erase them by typing erase/delete or using some kind of directory browser. In UNIX-like operating systems one can erase whole directories by using the ``rm -rf (dir)'' command. One problem that you still will face is the fact that some operating systems don't delete the whole file, but rather the internal entry saying where the file is located and the name of it, or parts of that information. This means that the data can still be restored with special undelete programs.
To make it harder for your mark to restore data, you could make yourself a boot-disk that contains the program fdisk and format. The boot disk that Windows 98 supplies is sufficient for this purpose. Use fdisk to delete and recreate the whole hard-disk, and then use format to physically delete the data afterwards. You can also low-level format the disk, if it is a SCSI disk.
Viral plagues
Viruses are considered to be quite a menace and I wouldn't advise using one even if you know what you are doing. There are many virus-sites on the net, and some of them have live viruses. Download at your own risk. There are also programs around that do not replicate themselves and do less damage; these are mostly just annoying and therefore suitable for the more mild revenge schemes.
Another easy way to mess up a computer is to play around in the computer BIOS. The BIOS menus are accessed at startup time, when the computer runs checks on the RAM and the disks. Usually you get a message on the screen saying that you can hit e.g. DEL for the BIOS setup menu. Do this and start playing around. If the computer has an unset BIOS password, set it and the mark will have to open the computer casing and reset the BIOS completely.
Messing with hardware
Avengers who don't want to mess around with the software could still do a lot of damage to the hardware. Open the computer, usually by just using a screwdriver, and have a look at the inventory. You will find that there are banks of RAM, cables, mainboard, drives and one or more CPUs. If you take a look at the CPU you will find that it usually has a heat-sink attached to it. Remove it, and the CPU will get hot and eventually it will malfunction or it might even get cooked with permanent damage. Removing one or more RAM banks could be useful, but you should leave at least one or the computer will not start, unless that was your idea in the first place.
The subtle avenger
More subtle avengers would simply put a screwdriver into the fan, causing it to deform and make a lot of noise while in operation. At worst it could malfunction causing heat to build up in the computer. Removing the CPU fan is even better, but you would have to open the casing to do this.
The berserker
When everything above seems like too much trouble, use a hammer randomly inside the casing will definitely do permanent damage. If even that is too much trouble, grab the whole PC, after disconnecting all the cables, and drop it off in a nearby garbage container.

The institutional
``Follow me if I advance, kill me if I retreat, avenge me if I die.''
-- Mary Matalin
Institutions such as the government, the police, companies, schools or the military are often acting in a way that makes them justifiable marks. The arrogance occasionally displayed by individuals in these institutions sometimes reflects only their apparent status as being untouchable.
This is backed up with the enormous resources that the institution has. It is becoming more and more rare these days that the average man in the street wins court cases against either the government or the police, even in cases where the guilt of the institution is proven and documented beyond doubt.
The government
I am going to use the governmental context for a wide variety of services here, just as I am used to, living in Norway most of my life.
The police
The police are sometimes targeted for unjustified revenge. This, because the public often feel badly treated when they get tickets for illegal parking, speeding or similar petty incidents. The fact is that the police have an obligation to follow and can't be blamed for following the rules (laws) set by politicians or lawmakers. If the law is what you have a problem with, target the politician and make your protests out loud.
I really do not recommend doing anything on location as far as revenge against the police goes. History shows than the best way to tangle your way out of these situations is to play along and either accept or reject the fine, depending on the situation you are in. Accepting it even if you did nothing wrong might seem idiotic, but if the fine is low, you would have to ask yourself it is worth the trouble of going through a trial or not. In any case if you broke the law, you should accept the fine and forget about revenge. You would naturally get the name of the officers and perform some long distance revenge scheme, if you decided to act upon the wronged action. It is a lot easier if your wrath is aimed directly towards the police station itself.
Got a parking ticket?
It might happen that you get a parking ticket you don't deserve. What one does in these situations is maybe manufacture your own replica using a PC and a good printer. Spend a couple of evenings wandering the streets and place the fake parking bills onto random cars, which naturally are legally parked. You achieve two things by doing this. One, you get quite a few people to complain about the bill. Two, you get a few suckers who actually pay the bill. How the police or the parking department handles this depends, but they do not have anything outstanding on these people so they have to return the money, costing work time and unnecessary administration.
Another way of causing harm to the ones handling parking is very simple, just put a plastic bag over the parking meter. People will probably still park there without paying. For private parking companies this will work well, as it will lower their income.
For those cases when you have two marks, one being the police/parking authorities and the other is a sucker with a parked car: Call the towing company and have his car towed claiming that he was parking in your slot.
Politicians often seem like distant revenge targets, but you should remember that these too are people who has cars, gardens, homes, phones, etc. Often there are a lot of people around them, which complicates things but doesn't make a neat revenge scheme impossible.
Scandals are one way of getting back at a politician, but as we have often seen, the politicians often have ways of crawling themselves out of any situation. And indeed, who is the public to trust when they see one unknown girl claiming to have a relationship with the leader of a nation, while the leader himself is saying it never took place? Still, scandals could be effective, especially if you know how to play the media.
Otherwise it is quite easy to hit the politician directly using any of the other tactics described in this book. One rather mild one is to forge letters from the politician to the media or a secondary mark.
Hospitals may seem like apparently easy targets, but do keep in mind that you might hurt or even kill innocent people who relies on the services provided. Bringing down the particular person who has wronged you, a Doctor for instance, is better. One way of doing that is to spread news among the drug addicts in your community that this doctor prescribes drugs, for a little extra fee, with no questions asked. You would naturally be a part of that environment to make it sound right, or in a smaller community you could get the right effect by telling your friend about it. Rumors in small communities are an incredible tool and will serve your efforts well, no matter who your mark is.
You can get back at military airports by sending several letters to the people residing in their vicinity. The letter should say that due to expansion of the base, the military will be buying their house. Give the residents a ridiculously low price for their property. This scheme can also be applied to other airfields as well. The point is to instigate a tiny little revolt against the mark.
Aluminum balloons in great numbers would turn up on airport radar, causing confusion and in some instances probably also make them ground the airplanes for a while. You should be careful about this as you might disrupt the air traffic enough to down a plane.
Tax collectors are your friends
Another great tool for revenge business is the IRS (Tax collectors.) You would need the mark's social security number and as much information about your mark as possible. Contact your local IRS field office. Using the mark's name and information, advise them that you have been filing false returns for years, not declaring money (from illegal gambling, drug dealing, etc. make it sound believable) advise them that you have turned over a new leaf and want to make amends. Set up an appointment with the IRS agent to set things right. When the mark doesn't show up for his appointment, for obvious reasons, the IRS will send a field agent to the mark's address. Odds are, the mark will be audited no matter what.
Another, more direct method involves forging a tax form using the name and information on your mark. In the US you can get the 1040-EZ or 1040-A package. Type the name, address, city, state, zip, SS and filing status normally. Prepare the rest of the return with anti-tax and anti-government statements typed in strategic places on the form. In other words use your own discretion. Prepare the official return envelope in the same manner.
A different approach to this last one is to fill out a form with information of a high income. Use the yellow pages and get some addresses of companies who are rumored to do a lot of unreported (tax-wise) work. This is a perfect scheme for the scumbag who doesn't care about delivering any tax report form at all.
The company
One great way to get back at a company, like a pub or a garage, is to put an advertisement into the local newspaper where it says that they're selling one of their products at a ridiculously low price. For a garage you can write that they're offering free checks on people's cars or $0.99 oil changes. Timing should be accurate. Do this when everyone is looking to buy this service or product.
The bank
There might be a situation where the mark is a bank that has wrongfully taken money from your account. When that is the case, go to the bank and rent a small safe deposit box. After you've gotten one, bring with you a bag of fish substance that will reek after a couple of days at room temperature. The bank will naturally have your name and number, and they will beg you to remove it. Remind them of the cash that was stolen and try to negotiate with them. Eventually, they can open the box without your permission, but it takes a while, so don't put anything illegal into it.
The good cause
You could also give money in your mark's business name to every charity, religious group and political action possible. You could either give small amounts of money to groups that your mark is heavily against, or to groups that you know will come back later and harass him for more money.
Have a company which produces t-shirts at a low price make some for you. Do a bogus logo and his office telephone number, then donate the t-shirts to a local homeless shelter under his name. It would look real funny when people all around start to wear his t-shirts.
The next level of corporate revenge involves junk-food restaurants and drive-through windows.
Wire up a speaker and hide it in the bushes. On the other side you connect an amplifier and a microphone (use your imagination here, anything from a walk-man to a portable computer might come in handy). When someone pulls up to place their order, be as rude as possible while impersonating the clerk. This will hurt the restaurant and it might as well lead to a number of complaints from unsuspecting customers. You could also write a letter to the manager, saying that you were in the drive-through on that particular night and were subjected to this verbal abuse. If this is all too complicated hang a note saying ``out of order'' on the set-box.
Flashing can be a crude but effective way of getting even with a restaurant. If you are shy, you can have a friend drive by the restaurant with his ass hanging out the window. I do think the customers would loose their appetite after a slight glimpse of that.
Have you ever been ripped off by a laundry store or been in a situation where you've been treated badly by the owner? Go to a washer and fill it up with loads of detergent, soap, grease or paint. You could also poke holes in the rubber pipes that lead to the washers. Another suggestion is to jam the coin insert part of the machine with dented coins or foreign objects. Add some super-glue and it will take a very long time to fix and result in a lot of lost business and frustrations.
Doctors and dentists
Doctors and dentists always seem to get away with everything, don't they? Well, not anymore. Go to a label printer and have them print a bunch of labels with your Doc's office name and address. Next thing you do is visiting one of those places where you get pornographic magazines. After you've read them, I mean, after you've purchased them, put the label on them and drop them off in the waiting room under the pile of magazines that's already there. Don't wait around unless you have an appointment there.
Another thing you can do for doctors is to advertise. Affix street posters with the doctors' name on them in the worst parts of your vicinity. Here you will be helping this doctor selling drug prescriptions with no questions asked.
You could also try to get a job at your mark's company. When inside you have a wide range of tactics you can implement and you will be close to anything. Being nasty to customers is a good one, but you could also give them good discounts or do other sabotage. Just don't get caught.
The school
As with the police, teachers are also often targets of wrongful revenge and shenaniganism. It doesn't necessarily mean that these teachers are bad teachers, more often it is because the children act like uncivilized savages and feel badly treated when they don't do their homework. Harassing teachers is not something I condone, actually I don't condone anything in this book, except the copyright notice.
Analyzing the teacher could be useful. A fairly old teacher might get an embarrassing problem if you brought your pornographic comics to school. Creative minds could certainly make their own version of, ``Peter Penis, Master Detective and the Case of the Missing Coke Bottles.'' You could also hide things like a condom or a dildo in his drawer.
The idea of putting display board tacks on the teacher's chair is old and quite outdated.
Another way of making the workday of a teacher miserable, is by rubbing lipstick, tar or paint on the doors to the school's administrative offices and the teacher's rest room. Done cleverly it might not be noticed until every teacher is dirty.
In the one-mean-pupil section we have copying off your teachers signature on the bottom of a resignation. Leave it in the principal's office. Make something up about him getting a new job, and he can't come personally to discuss it. Time this to a period when the mark is away from work for some days. This can also work in the opposite direction where you pose as the principal firing the teacher.
Fellow students
Another mark that might deserve your attention, in the school area, is your fellow student or pupil. Most of what is written under the corporate revenge also applies here. In addition, due to the way school works, there are a few good ones.
Ex-Lax or anything that make your mark's stomach twitch, could easily be applied to his drink. Again timing is essential, as the mark will be more vulnerable at the day of his final examination, although ruining for life might be excessive, ruining him for the semester might be a better choice.
Quite a few places you can cancel exams without identifying yourself. At the places where they do require an ID, try to get a fake one or steal your mark's ID.
The mark's locker is an easy target. Put some glue on a toothpick and insert it into the lock. Hang pornographic images on the front side of the locker. Pour fox urine or some other stinky substance on its top or through its holes. If you are good at picking locks, then plant something in the locker and then use the glue and toothpick trick on the lock. Write something creative on the locker door. When the mark goes away for a week or two, pour milk on top of it, or use a generous amount of cottage cheese squeezed between two plates. Tape the plate together and hide it on top of his locker or push it into the locker. It will have a nasty odor when he discovers it.
An easy way to get back at school buddies who use drugs frequently is to get a drug testing kit from a drug store. Send the whole kit to his parents along with a letter from either the school or one of his friends who feels that their son or daughter has a problem.
The school building
In the school-building vandalism section we have ideas like drawing obscenities on pull-down maps or movie screens, or hiding foul smelling things above the ceiling. The latter can be done in some governmental buildings where they have ceilings resting on an iron grid, if not, use the air-duct.
Maggots (fly larva) can be bought at several sports stores in areas where they use these as fish bait. Get a box of them and hide it in a classroom, just before the school closes for the summer. Open the lid slightly to let the flies out and when the pupils return next semester it will be swarming with flies in the room.
Clog the drains by pouring cement into the toilets and the sinks. Also always carry screwdrivers and slowly dismantle everything you can. Have friends help you. Make a competition where the object is to get most screws out.
With access to a PC you can make false announcements from your school. Use the same format style as they use and distribute them to teacher's mailboxes and put them on display boards.
The display boards can also be used against your fellow students. Get a picture of your mark and write something nasty under it. Sex-adds, I-am-stupid posters, or anything from your own creative mind.
On your country's national day, take down the national flag and put up your own. Have a friend lift you up standing on his back. Tie the rope and cut everything that is below, leaving quite a distance down to the ground.

``The righteous shall rejoice when he seethe the vengeance; he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.''
-- Psalms, Ch. 58, V.10
Sticky stuff
Two of the more flexible items used in revenge schemes are superglue and the insulation used as filler in building walls.
Superglue is perhaps the most versatile ``sticky stuff.'' Just apply it into any key-lock to give your mark the agony of his life. Car door locks, car fuel locks, school lockers, apartment and house front door locks, mailbox locks or even garage door locks, the variations are endless.
Gluing ornaments like plastic toys to the car hood was already mentioned. This can also be applied to other things, like windows, doors, office desks where pens glued to the desk works great. Your imagination is the limit.
Housing insulation also has many applications. These usually come in large spray containers and when applied appear as an expanding foam. The real kicker here is that it soon hardens. One problem here is that when applied to a limited area, the foam will put pressure on its walls, this could also be part of the revenge. Places to apply this are mailboxes, through open windows, into cars, through mail-slots, desk drawers, lockers and onto lawns or up the exhaust pipe of his car.
The annoying and irritating
Annoying schemes shouldn't be too severe because they usually would have to be repeated frequently and therefore the risk of detection is high. You also shouldn't apply annoying schemes upon a mark who is patient as a rock. In such situations the energy you spend on the work would easily be higher than the energy and irritation felt by your mark.
Annoying roommates
Roommates are close and often easy targets for annoyances. I have observed that acting nervous or jumpy often makes other people nervous. Nervousness is often quite closely connected to annoyances. You could start the afternoon by sitting straight looking at the wall (make sure there is a clock within your view) - every five minutes get up, walk to the window, look out and mumble. This would surely be annoying for the duration. The next day, mention that you wonder what you did around that time the previous day. If others ask, tell them that your roommate has been acting strange lately.
If your roommate has a girlfriend then you should be really nice to her. Give her a little gift every now and then, smile at her often and look at her tits when he can see it. Comment on her ass to her boyfriend and ask if they're into threesomes. Leave pornographic magazines around your bed. Also talk about yourself and her when he thinks you're sleeping and he is awake.
Have your alarm clock ring at 5AM each morning. First you let it ring for a little while, and when your roommate complains, get up and go to the bathroom. Take a pee, or whatever, just make a bit of noise, then return to your bed. Do this every morning for a while.
The next tactic involves getting some old keys. This can be done at a locksmith, just ask for some they don't have any use for. Buy the same number of key tags, or make some yourself. Write your mark's name and telephone number on the tag and mention a $10 reward if found. After you've done this, drop them one by one around the city. The drawback with this one is that you'll involve innocent third persons. A related trick would be to write your mark's name and phone number on dollar notes.
The best place to embarrass someone is to make it as public as possible. These tactics could look pretty innocent, but they will mostly feel like they were a hit below the belt for your casual shy mark. The first one works best if your mark is a shy homophobe, working in a store. Get a friend, someone your mark doesn't know, to come into the store and buy a packet of condoms. Make him go to the mark's line and say loudly, ``I had a great time last night, (his name) honey. Are these the kind you wanted me to pick up for later?'' This scheme can naturally be adapted to other scenarios, and in several versions.
When your mark is a younger brother it's even easier to embarrass him. Just ruin his reputation by running around at the school cafeteria asking for him saying that he forgot to bring his lunch with him. Dress geeky, smell and make sure you have a large grocery bag with his full name written on its side.
A different way to embarrass your mark is if you're in gym class doing push ups. Have one of your trusted friends convince your mark to ask you about how many push-ups your brother or sister can do. When the mark ask, look as angry and upset as you can. Make a big scene out of it and give the mark your response, ``Who told you about this? How could you! You know my sister has no arms! What kind of person are you?!'' At this point you can either storm out of the room or put your head down in your arms crying.
Using posters has always been one of my favorite ways of getting even. With the latest in technology (i.e. the campus PC's or your own) you can scan a picture of your mark. The next thing you would need to do is go on the Net and find some pornographic images. You might have to search a little bit to find one that would fit nicely with your mark's head, but it's well worth it. Cut and paste from the original picture, and smooth it together so that it looks real authentic. Print it out and hang it on the campus display board with the text, ``horny chick call XXX-XXXX.''
Things that go boom!
I am not going to lecture anyone on how to make hard explosives. One reason is that there is enough information on this around the Internet already. Another is that explosives are often unstable, and definitely unreliable, which makes them unsuitable for revenge.
There are still things you may ``blow up'' without hurting anyone. Take a balloon, fill it with paint and throw it onto your mark's car at a time when chances of detection are lowest. The trick here is to find a balloon that will hold the right amount of paint, and which will break when it hits the car or house if you want to strike at that.
Fun with frozen carbondioxide
Dry ice (frozen CO2) is cool and can be used to make loud explosions. The way this is done, basically, is that you put a generous amount of dry ice into a bottle, lock the bottle and then hide it in the vicinity of your mark. Plastic bottles are recommended as glass will break and may seriously hurt someone.
Fun with firecrackers
Firecrackers are also nice tools that can be used for revenge purposes. Send a threatening note to your mark saying, ``tonight at 01:30AM, you die.'' Then at night light the biggest firecracker you can find, just outside his house. This is psychological warfare. The next note could say, ``Sorry, I missed.''
Fun with phones
You really don't have to blow anything up to stir trouble. One phone threat is enough, ``There is a bomb in your building. You have 42 minutes to evacuate.'' This is a thing you may not want to consider, since this really is severe and the police will definitely try to get you.
Wreaking weddings
A wedding ceremony is both expensive and painstaking, the latter due to the somewhat difficult task of making everything look perfect. Now, of course when our mark is heading to the altar we'll be using this moment of vulnerability to get some serious revenge.
Showing up pregnant
Let's say this groom was an ex-lover of yours who ran away about 4-9 months prior to the wedding. After he ran away he abruptly fell in love with this little girl, who he proposed to and now is going to marry (yeah, right! he was cheating on you the whole time, this is a well known scenario.) You feel that something has to be done, and to ruin our mark's one-day-in-life you will need some pillows (or whatever) tucked under your sweater. After the ceremony you show up at the reception telling everybody about the forthcoming child of the groom. This would certainly need some good acting, timing and realism. If you can leave the place without being exposed as a fraud (shouldn't be too hard), then I am sure the groom and bride's wedding night isn't going to be very jolly.
Speaking up
Another dirty trick is to get into the church, watch the ceremony, waiting until the minister come to the part about ``if there is anyone in this room who has anything to say about this marriage taking place.'' Okay, this stunt would also need quite a bit at guts, but for some, if that groom or the bride is an ex-lover you feel left some debt in the revenge department, then maybe getting up at this point, cussing out both the participants, wouldn't be too far fetched? The genius touch here is that nobody will shut you off. At the reception or at anytime later there will be people who might yell back at you, but here in the church they won't. A nice touch to this would maybe be to claim that you are already married to the groom/bride, and with luck you might prevent the couple from getting married that day. This might also lead to a nice night in jail for you, but that's a different story.
A well known urban story tells about a wedding where the groom (or bride) goes through the whole ceremony until the part where the commitment is about to take place. The groom then stops everyone and asks them to take a look at the picture under their chair (church bench). The picture supposedly shows the bride in action with the best man the previous night. The groom then leaves the ceremony with another woman.

``To win a hundred victories in a hundred battles is not the highest excellence; the highest excellence is to subdue the enemy's army without fighting at all.''
-- Sun-Tzu
I've tried to focus on two things in particular in this book. The implementation of various revenge schemes, and an elaboration on the worst pitfalls and how to secure your path around them on you mission of vengeance.
It has not been my goal to write down every revenge scheme I could come up with, but rather describe a few of the more successful ones. I hope that you, the reader, can use these as a source of inspiration in your quest, and that you can build on these rather than just copying them. The best revenge schemes are the ones which fit the crime, the mark and his environment and you can't find that scheme in a book.
Another thing that you should be aware of is that the effort spent, doesn't always yield equal or justified agony for your mark. Imagine a person striving for hours plotting something that merely causes this mark a few moments of discomfort, a situation that surely causes the avenger more agony than the mark. Revenge can also become an obsession, often seen in movies and books where the avenger, playing the bad guy, becomes obsessed with revenge and ruins both his own life and the life of the mark. The line between revenge-obsession and the psychotic is very indistinct.
Often people will find peace in their mind by imagining doing something to cause their mark agony. Usually this seems to be enough, and it is definitely therapeutical. The focus of a commitment should be to get a solution to a problem or an improvement of your situation, rather that just hurting your mark. Thinking revenge often solves the pain you may experience inside, without causing yourself or the mark any harm.
I hope this has been pleasant and entertaining reading.
Pål D. Ekran
Tromsø, Norway, 11 October 1999

``When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should -- so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again.''
-- Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte
This book was put together and authored by me, but there were many people who helped me develop it.

Uncle. 08-06-2004 06:44 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
I used to do this to guys at work
get a long zip tie(black) put it around tail sharft of car leave it long so it slaps the floor on the way around.Then get some crap tape put it around the tie so when it rains or she gets some speed up off comes the tape and slap slap slap.She looks under her car but cant see anything as the tie is black.This wont get you far but will give you a smile later :2cents

Chosen One 08-06-2004 06:56 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
Thanks guys... those are some good ones, im gonna see what i can scheam up today. :rolleyes: - did i mention her husband works out back with me too. hes a cocksucker also :banghead

Angel Of Death 08-06-2004 08:21 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
[QUOTE=Chosen One]Thanks guys... those are some good ones, im gonna see what i can scheam up today. :rolleyes: - did i mention her husband works out back with me too. hes a cocksucker also :banghead[/QUOTE]

tell the cops she physically abuses him at work

bigred875 08-06-2004 09:48 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
[QUOTE=Chosen One] a red head'd step child[/QUOTE]WTF!!![IMG][/IMG] [IMG][/IMG] [IMG][/IMG]

shtbx 08-06-2004 10:03 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
damn erik that was like a million years long, took me like 20 mins to scroll down

jimmyjammer 08-06-2004 10:42 AM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
get her address and then go to the post office and put in a change of address to some one elses address

Chosen One 08-06-2004 02:09 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
Well well... those are all good, and i thank you for all your evil suggestions. BUT i think i got a good one on my own. (doing what i do best) She has a 13 yr old son that is there all day long. well hes got a lil to custom' to hangin out there and helping. So much that he drives the 10 wheel big trucks, and even the lil pickup trucks. So i brought my video camera in today... and well the rest is history, now someone just grab me the number for O S H A. and that place will be shut down quick! ha ya like me now! :twofinger

hessogood 08-06-2004 02:14 PM

Re: Help Me Get Revenge!
doesn't that make you jobless?

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