How to piss off a cop

[cpike]

Ways To Piss Off A Cop
When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
Touch him.
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you were rushing home because you realized you forgot your helmet. (Particularly good in those Helmet Law states!)
Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Refer to him by his first name.
Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
When he says no, cry.
If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
If he asks you to step off the bike, automatically throw yourself onto his hood.
When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
Bribe him with donuts.
When he comes up your bike, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Trip and fall into him.
Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
Chew on the pen, nervously.
Clean your ear with the pen.
If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
Act like you are retarded.
When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
Or mumble to yourself.
When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin' about man?
Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
When he comes up to your bike, say I have a badge just like yours!
Ask if he watches Cops.
Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
Giggle if he did.
Talk to your hand.
Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
When he asks to inspect your bike, say there is no alcohol on my bike, sir, the last cop got it.
Try to sell him your bike.
Ask if you can buy his car.
If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
Play with the siren.
If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
If there is someone else on the bike with you, talk to each other in tongues.
When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the fencing.
Turn your head and whistle.
When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
Ask if you can see his gun.
When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Tell him you like men in uniform.
Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

While he is sitting in his car running your plates and license, whip it out and pee on one of his tires.
Touch his shirt and say "hey man, you got a booger on your shirt" when he looks down do the nose bump thing and say "Damn, cops are so stupid".
Every time he tries to use his radio, squeal like a pig as loud as you can.
Ask him if he feels like a BIG MAN just because he has a gun.
Laugh until he asks you why and tell him you think it's funny that he didn't see you throw your stash in the bushes so he can't prove it's yours. After him and his co-cops spend an hour looking for it admit that you were just kidding.
Keep staring at him until he asks you why you are doing it. Tell him that you once got drunk and humped a monkey and you are wondering if he is your son.
If he makes you walk a straight line to prove your aren't drunk. Do it hopscotch style.
Every time he asks you a question. Ask your imaginary friend for the answer.
If he/she frisks you, moan loudly and say things like "oh, baby", "OH YES, YES" and of course the old standard "a little to the left, baby".
Make up a cute nickname for him and use it often. Something like "Tinkerbelle" should work nicely.
While signing the ticket, ask him if he realizes that your Green Beret uncle taught you 17 ways to kill with a ball point pen.
Every time he takes his eyes off of you, make loud fart noises.
Accuse him of sleeping with your wife. When he denies it, tell him he should try her. After all, she's a lot better in the sack than HIS wife.
Ask him if he became a cop because of the low I.Q. requirements.
When he asks to see your license, ask to shoot his gun.
When pulled over because cop saw your ivory griped custom Springfield 45 tell him "my grips cost more than your cheap 9mm. also my red & black wing tips cost more than the truck he's driving home. and finally my 40 knuckle is worth more than his trailer!"
When he says "Please step off the bike" say, "I cant, you get on."
Ask him if you can be his date for the Policemen's Ball.
Look at his head, then ask, "Who cuts your hair?"
Ask him, "If you aren't allowed to drink & drive, then why do they put parking lots around bars???"
When asked to see your license and registration, ask to see naked pictures of his wife. If he says he does not have any, ask if he would like to buy some. Then say, "What a firecracker!"
When the cop says, "Your eyes are bloodshot have you been drinking?". Reply with "Your eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts?"
When he asks for your license, say "You're not gonna check my saddlebags, are ya?"
Ask him if he has a brother named Barney.
While he is walking back to run your info in his car look over your shoulder and crank your bike like you're gonna try to get away!
When he asks for your license, say "I'll show you mine...If you show me yours!"
When he asks for your license, say "I would...but the last cop that asked me for my license didn't give it back!"
If he asks if you still reside at P.O. Box 332? Tell him yeh, its a little cramped in there but ya get by!
Ask if he can smell his daughter on your breath.
When he's checking your helmet & asks where your DOT is, pull out your pecker & show him that tattoo you thought you would try one of them drunken nights!
When pulled over by the Highway Patrol. Ask if you can buy some tickets to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. They usually reply that Highway Patrolmen don't have balls. Then shake your head & laugh.
After he gives you your ticket, tell him/her "OOOHHHyyaaa My dog came home happy last night. How much do I owe ya?"
Have a flash light handy so that when he shines it in your face you can show him how that feels.
Ask him if he has ever flown in a plane. If he says yes, then say "Well son of a bitch! Pigs CAN fly!!!"
After he writes you the ticket, ask him for directions to the nearest donut shop.
When he goes to run your license and registration, ask if he minds if you have a couple of beers while you wait.
If you end up in the back of a cop car, annoy him by farting, pissing, or if you can manage to vomit...even better.
When riding to lockup, constantly ask "Are we there yet?"
For those of us who have bike cops........Yeah I know why you pulled me over. You wanted to see what a fast bike looks like.
When asked if you know why he pulled you over, say "Because you thought I had donuts on me?"
When the cop asks you why you didn't stop right away, just tell him, "I wasn't sure if the flashing lights behind me were a cop or if it was just the acid kicking in."
If he comes over to your bike & starts talking, ignore him when he tells you to answer, just say, "Mom told me not to talk with strangers."
If he takes you to the station, ask, "Do you mind if I stay tonight?"
When he is patting you down, pat him back.
Ask him to hold your beer while you get your license & registration for him.
"Are You Andy or Barney?"
When he/she asks if you have any drugs or firearms say "sure whatta ya need?"

[GoBo]

Havent heard those in awhile always good for a laugh though

[sticky7841]

Touch his shirt and say "hey man, you got a booger on your shirt" when he looks down do the nose bump thing and say "Damn, cops are so stupid".

hahahaha

[fmxrider4life69]

haha highway patrolmen dont have balls.

[Mogwai]

Those were good, never heard them before

[smoothlee]

fuk that was long, but funny...

[narx1000]

that was worth the reading time!

[The Juice250]

I'm already a huge smart ass, can't wait to use a few of these. Thanks

[Lotensin22]

After every sentence the cop says, just say "I don't respect your authority, let alone you, so could you just shut up and get right to it?" I bet that is a good way to go to jail.